ABC of me

A blog I follow who follows another blog did an "ABC of me" and I thought, "why not?" I haven't been blogging as much as I used to and I do enjoy answering questions about myself.

A: age 29
B: biggest fear: losing another child
C: current time: lunchtime!
D: drink I last had: water
E: easiest person to talk to: My Mom
F: favorite song: "Roll to Me" I have a ton of favs so this is the very first I can remember labeling as a fav
G:grossest Memory: having to do wound cleaning on a patient whose wounds tunneled one into the other
H: hometown: St Louis
I: in love with: Dunkin Donuts. It's bad
J: jealous of: people who can travel often
K: killed someone: this is a weird question. No. But plenty of bugs
L: longest relationship: My best friend, Rachel. 18 years and counting
M: middle name: Rose
N: number of sibs: 1 brother
O: one wish: To see all my kids together
P: person I last called: Mercy for an induction
Q: question I am always asked: "Are you the nurse?"
R: reason to smile: my lady, Emma
S: song I last sang: "Roll to Me". It's now stuck in my head
T: time I woke: 5:30
U: underwear: red
V: vaca destination: I'm choosing to answer this as where I really want to go: Ireland
W: worst habit: leaving my dinner dish on the table
X: xray I have had: just of teeth
Y: your fav food: tacos
Z: zodiac: Leo

Andrew is 4

This post is a bit late in the day but it's fitting in that Andrew was the main reason it hasn't been done. Well, and Emma. Both have needed attention today. Plus, getting Andrew to be still in one spot for more then 30 seconds is terribly hard. 

Andrew,

You turned 4 today. Even though we celebrated earlier, you still got to choose breakfast, dinner and dessert and got a new Paw Patrol toy. Daddy and I still don't know how you learned about Paw Patrol but it is your new best thing. Right up there with Power Rangers. 

I use pictures of the past year to help jog my memory when I write these posts and the most common picture I see of you is one that shows big smiles, tremendous energy and goofiness. I never knew pictures could display so much in a still image, but with you it's entirely possible. Daddy and I often use your name as an adjective; mostly in describing you. How else can we talk about Andrew without just saying, "he is so Andrew"? You have the biggest and brightest smile and your whole face lights up. And while your mouth can produce the best smile ever, it also produces the most noise ever. Sometimes you just need to scream. I really think if you stay still for too long it just bubbles out and you have to release some energy. We are constantly reminding you which voice volume is appropriate when. 
You've reached a stage where you can be very jealous of your sister and attention drawn away from you. It's been a bit harder dropping you off at daycare and it requires extra hugs and kisses. This past week you spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa's and wanted to sleep in the pack n play in their room and specifically asked if a pink dinosaur was Emma's and when Grandma answered in the affirmative, you wanted it. Daddy and I try to make special times for all of you and you especially make it known when it's going to be an Andrew only day. I fear for you in the middle child roll and I know I've placed you there sometimes. I consciously make sure I acknowledge your growth with counting, writing and letter recognition in school and praise you and look at only you. And try to recognize when you need a hug versus when you need hug and a few more minutes in a hold. Physical touch is very important to you.
You are still just as stubborn and determined as ever. You get a look to you when you are stuck in your way and you can lace a statement with some barbed words if you've been hurt. You've gotten very good at crossing your arms and pouting. But completely on the flip side is your ability to still give what you have and think of others and help out. I've witnessed you giving up a treat to share with Jake and you've volunteered to help me and always want to help Grandpa with cars. You always want to get a gift for Jake and Sophia when we buy you a little something; it may be with our money but it's the thought :)
You are also a bit set in your ways. Shorts have to be just so, there are certain shirts you have a preference to wear and we must always fix your socks because the ribbed part near the toes bothers you.   it can be a bit tiring dressing you in the morning. 
You play hard. Whether it be as a superhero, or riding your bikes or playing ball, it is done with much enthusiasm. I sometimes wonder if you'll be involved with theater since you are so theatrical. You really do love to be surrounded by people. You still really can't play by yourself for very long. are also a great staler. You will find just about any excuse to get out of bed and when going back almost always take the long way around. You sleep crazy, too. Once, we found you under our bed when you were sleeping on our floor and another you got stuck at the bottom of your sleeping bag and couldn't get out. Thankfully, you've stopped taking off your pull up in the morning and climbing into bed with Jake sans bottoms.  
This year we will start preparing you for Kindergarten. I know this is going to be another period of big growth for you and I hope your Daddy and I can grow you up accordingly. You are my bigger then life child and the most dependable one for a cuddle or hug. I know this next year will be busy and big just because you're in it and I look forward to watching you become a big kid. Love you, Andrew Thomas. So much. 

What is your favorite number?  

4
Who are your friends? 
Elena, Austin, Caleb, Advaith, Josh
What is your favorite toy? 
Paw Patrol Marshall Firetruck

What is your favorite food?  

Cake and Pizza
What is your favorite color?
Green and blue
What is your favorite thing to play outside? 
Play with my helicopter
What is your favorite car? 
Green car
What is your favorite book? 
Paw Patrol book
What is your favorite animal? 
Monkey and Zebra
What do you want to do when you grow up? 
Police
What is your favorite thing to do at school? 
Play with toys
Who are your favorite teachers? 
Ms Elena

Andrew is 3

Jake is 6

Jake is 6. While it truly feels like the kid should be turning 7 this year, just thinking about his growth and his little boyness now choked me up in the middle of Target today.

Jake, this year you have truly gone through so many new experiences. You started big kid school and got to ride the school bus, you had your first big kid play date without me, you welcomed in a new sister, you lost you first tooth-and then 4 more after that!-you experienced a "man haircut" at the barber shop, you learned pulling down your pants at the teacher gets you sent to the Principal and you got to see your fair share of letters written home about behavior. You also learned about math and reading and finished all 16 readers well before many others in your class. You worked on spelling and learning about punctuation and how to navigate through your school. You got to experience buying "tray lunches" at school and also found out how Mommy and Daddy can learn if you bought a meal without telling us. You had your first "girl friend" and announced in class she was "as hot as a blow dryer". You did vehemently deny Kelsey is your girlfriend all the while smiling through it. Now, she probably is a distant memory since she isn't even invited to your birthday party. You also got 3 new cousins and you love to name off all that you have. 

This year, we learned more about how to help you succeed in the classroom and not get so many letters sent home. It took awhile, but it has mostly worked. I learned this is not uncommon for young boys to have transitional behavior issues but it was still enough to make me cry and want to scream at the same time. Especially the flippant way you talked about in school suspension when you got to experience that for half a day. Outside of all of that, your flourish in school. You love learning about letters and words and numbers and making new sentences and rhyming. You also vocalized how you want to play trumpet in school because you love your music class. Going to the library each week was so exciting for you and we learned how to take care of school library books. You were in your first school Christmas musical this year and you thought you were cool stuff. You can't wait for summer school to start and want first grade to get her so badly. I am excited for it, too. I love learning and it's so awesome that you enjoy it, too. 

Your little personality has shaped a lot more this year. You have definite likes and dislikes now. You are quite obsessed with Dinosaurs and can name off quite a few and some of their habits and what their eating preference was. You schooled Aunt Em a little bit in them, too. Power Rangers Dino Charge started the fascination and then you just took off with it. Cars is another. There is a computer game you love to play that involves racing and advancing to a new tier. You've gotten to tier 5 now and your car garage has expanded exponentially in the game. Your favorites right now are Chevy, Mustang Cobra (your prized car) Audi and Nissan. You doodle the car emblems on top of picking them out and talking non stop about them. Literally, you will talk non stop about them. You have quite the anger streak still and stomp your feet, pout and cross your arms when you don't get your way. Or whine. It's so annoying. But it's still leaps and bounds better then when you were little so I will take it. On the flip, you are so gentle with your sister and love big. I mentioned on Mother's Day you show great affection to those you include in your circle and it's completely evident who you include. You love your family so much and never forget to include Daniel into it. That makes my Momma heart happy. You have a funny way of sounding like you're a know it all when really you are just self assured in yourself and what you have to say. You also think you're the most hilarious person ever. You have a new favorite show and it's like a little kid sitcom; Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn. It cracks you up. 

We've also had some good discussions about God and Jesus and you ask good questions. You've been especially interested around Easter time and how Jesus died on the cross. We went to a Catholic Easter service and you noticed the wounds on Jesus' hands and the crown. I pray this is the foundation you need that grows into something more. 

This year, I cant wait to see you start baseball and first grade. To learn more from you and make more special memories. You are a great big brother, s sweet son and a funny kid. I love you so much, Jakey. Happy 6th birthday. 

What is your favorite number?  
1101

Who are your friends? 
Allie, Jacob R, Jason, Rex, Levi, Tanner, Tommy, Josie, Alena, Caden, Cheyenne, Lexi, 
What is your favorite toy? 

Dino charge gun, Dino charge sword

What is your favorite food?  

Spaghetti

What is your favorite color?

Red, yellow, black

What is your favorite thing to play outside? 

Power Rangers 
What is your favorite car?

Mustang Cobra

What is your favorite book? 

The Three Billy Goats (we named them after Daniel, Jake and Andrew)

What is your favorite animal? 

Cow. Because you get milk

What do you want to do when you grow up? 

Drive cars

What is your favorite thing to do at school? 

Play

Who are your favorite teachers? 

Ms Morris and Ms Debby

Jake is 5
Jake is 4
Jake is 3

To my kids on Mother's Day

Daniel:

You made me a Mommy for the first time. We weathered a road where everything was new for both of us. You challenged me with your curiosities, your Houdini like moves, and your boldness. You were the reason I reflected on my self and the kind of Mom I wanted to be and allowing God into my life. You and I did a lot of growing up together and I know there was many a night where I went to bed feeling like I failed you. But I know with 100% certainty, there isn't a person on this Earth who loved you as much as me and would have fought for you as hard as me. You are now one of my protectors and you are evident in each of your brothers and sister. Through them, I can continue where you and I left off until we do get to meet again. I love you every day, monkey man, and especially on today when I have the chance to reflect on being your Mom.

Jake:

My only brown colored, curly headed child. You are one of the smartest kids I know. And one of the most  talkative. Together, we get to experince a lot of firsts. Each day I am amazed at what you talk about and your skill set. And your ability to absorb information-especially about cars and dinosaurs and words. I find myself learning a lot from you. While you are very much into you and what can benefit Jake, you love hard for those that you chose to share yourself with. Especially your sister. You have such a kind touch with her and are the only one that can make her laugh the hardest and biggest. I am constantly evolving how to parent you and am learning some of the things that work better for shaping you. There have been days where I have cried for you; for how you speak to me about missing your brother, for trying to understand how to get you to understand good behavior, for wishing I could give you more of me. And then there are all the times you have shown me that I must be doing it because you are quick to tell me you love me and think of me often when you're coloring at school and for making me special trinkets. I love that you challenge me with all of your questions and I hope you always see me as someone you can ask anything to. I love you, Jakey, my special little second born big boy.

Andrew:

Oh Andrew. You are bigger then life. You are intense with anything you do. Loving, playing, fighting, sleeping. I find myself daily asking for grace and patience and often-too often sometimes-needing more of it before the day ends. You are unlike anything else I have ever experienced. Your biggest love language is touch and you crave physical contact. You give the best hugs and are one of the most helpful kids. You are one determined kid and speak your mind often. There isn't much one can do once your mind is made up. I love that about you; your strength. I used to call you my Samson because of your deep desire to love and your uncanny strength. I can't help but laugh at you sometimes when you get worked up and start talking; you little jowls start shaking and you try to form words but your emotions play so hard into your speech.  You are my comedic relief with a lot that you do and say. I don't know how I can love a kid so much and feel so worn out at the same time at the end of the day, but with you, bud, it's possible. I love you so much in spite of the challenges we face together, Andrew Thomas.

Emma:

You are my littlest child, my only girl and my last baby. You make my heart sing. You are entertaining and talkative and give the biggest and best smiles. I'm sad when I have to drop you off at daycare and I cannot wait until I can pick you up again. Frankly, I'm surprised you can entertain yourself for a hour or even move because I never want to put you down. You are the most dear promise of healing and hope and I prayed often over you to have a kind and gentle spirit and to know your worth. Saying I love you to the moon is back doesn't even describe the distance of how much I care for you. I look forward so much to the bond we will have and I hope it's much like the one I share with your Grandma. You are bringing bit of sensitivity to your brothers and I know they are giving you a thick skin and together, I think you will do wonderfully. I love you, Emmy, to the moon and back. 

A date only a Mother would know

February 19 marks the moment your feet have been placed longer in Heaven then here in my arms. 3 years and 7 months you have been gone. 3 years and 7 months I have learned to live without your constant questioning, silly-and often- tiring antics, your superior communication, your thick and unruly locks, your crooked toe and freckled shoulder, your chubby fingers and the way you could size up a situation. In 3 years and 7 months I have learned more about grace, true love, heart ache, faith, fear and revival then in any of my other years. A hole in my heart was carved so deep July 19, it felt like it could never be filled. In 3 years and 7 months, that hole not only grew smaller but the walls encompassing it grew sturdier. God's grace surpassed anything I could ever hope to posess and as I approach 3 years and 7 months, I am reminded of my journey and the fight for clarity and acceptance and release experienced throughout. Really, My words have never truly been mine. I serve as a canvas for God to shine through in the fear, bitterness and sadness. There hasn't ever been a moment where in my deepest point of grief, I couldn't reach out and feel His embrace. If there can ever be a truer moment for your life, it is in the fact you helped me live to gain the best life. In the moments that were the hardest, God was using them to bring the most precious moments glory.

“Trust the past to God's mercy, the present to God's love and the future to God's providence.” --Augustine

In 3 years and 7 months your brothers and sister are growing into their own little person but you are delicately woven in.
Jake possesses moments he shared with you. He has your ability to be a handful and be quiet in one day. Jake cares for Emma the way you stepped up as a big brother for Andrew. 

Andrew has your mischievousness. He gets to claim your hair and profile and crooked toe. 

Emma has your heart. In her eyes I see into Heaven and see you. She is my truest healing and my world is made ok by her. She is my Psalm 23:17. 

Really, your passing made the Earth stop just long enough for us to get a grip on what's important. People were saved, relationships were made better and family became more then just a name but a life line. You changed all of us, Daniel. Without you, not a one of us would be better. God's purpose for you is so much bigger then I could have ever hoped for. Truly,I am not defined as a Mother who lost a son; I am a Mother who got to hold a piece of God's promise close. I got to feel the very little hands that are helping change a nation. My only hope continues to be that I can honor the gift I was given and never forget how important it is. How important your life is and your-our-story. This is the year for it, sweetheart. This is the story God has been orchestrating and writing and it's time for it to shine. For 3 years and 7 months, I have been growing and healing and learning and relearning and reaching clarity that is only found in someone who has hit bottom and I am embracing the journey and the sorrow to bring about the joy.
I will always remember the little boy you were. Until I can hold your hands, you hold a piece of my heart.
Until then, sweet boy.

2014: A year in review

This year was full of so many changes. I have sensed a theme since I have been doing my year in reviews-a lot a lot a lot of change. Perhaps my life will not slow down until each of my kids is in college. That is exhilaratingly tiring to imagine. :)

January

It was cold. So cold. Like -30 wind chill cold. We played in the snow for, like, 5 minutes after taking close to 20 to get dressed. The boys and I started a tradition, unbeknownst at the time, of going bowling on the 1st. Andrew saw his very first movie, Frozen, and he became a crazed fan. And we got our first glimpse of baby #4.

February

The boys went to their first minor league hockey game and Andrew was enthralled. All of his favorite things in one game: fighting yelling and speed. I also battled all day nausea. It was worth every bit of it once we found out we were having a girl. I jumped, laughed, cried, and thanked God for knowing the desire of my heart. 

March

Jake registered for Kindergarten, and I was told I was to register the kids from there on out. :) The boys got green eggs and ham for Dr Seuss and we met up with old friends.

April

We celebrated Easter, my belly popped out seemingly over night and we enjoyed the sun. 

May

Jake turned 5. He got his Power Ranger Super Megaforce phone and couldn't have been more excited.  He also graduated to yellow belt and graduated Pre K. Tears were shed. I was so very proud of him. Our chickens grew and enjoyed being outside more. 

June

Andrew turned 3 this month and inwardly I grimaced. I hate 3. He's lived up to the full potential and has firmly established himself as my most spirited boy. We also found out the family was going to grow by 2-twins were on their way!

July

In July we went swimming to honor Daniel. We viewed fireworks as a family. It was a slightly less disaster then the previous year. The boys love the colors but hate the noise. VBS started and so did the boys obsession with Peppa Pig. 

August

Jake started school. I was so excited I could hardly stand it. I really only got teary eyed when he stepped onto the bus and again when I was driving Andrew to daycare. August also marked a period of unrest for Missouri. Nightly I worried over Ryan, and over my impending delivery hoping he would actually get to be there. Blessedly, God kept both him and Emma safely tucked away. Sadly, it did puncture my bubble of naivety in Ryan's job and I pray over that man's safety more so then ever. We didn't leave August without the best excitement of the year, however. Emma arrived and it was one of my most precious experiences. I've had a bond unlike anything else with that baby and she certainly tugs at your heart strings. All the Metz girls also got together for a family reunion of sorts and we got all those babies in for a photo op.

September

Four generations of women were captured when Grandma came to visit. She was a big help and Andrew took to her quickly. He still differentiates the Grandma's as "old Grandma" and "young Grandma". Jake had some growing pains in school and that was a struggle. Andrew took to Emma quickly which shocked us all. We also got the chance to pick apples for the first time. 

October

October is always bittersweet for me. It marks one of my favorite times of the year, fall, but always have a period of sadness accompany it. Next to Daniel's birthday, I tend to miss him the most at this time and it really hurts deep. Thankfully, the stirring winds play with the leaves as well as my heart and the pain is fleeting and by the end of October I am back to "normal". Per tradition, we do our yearly visit to the pumpkin patch and it was made better with a great family picture. 

November

For whatever reason, Andrew took to "sneaking" into Jake's room at night to sleep. He's about as quiet as an 18 wheeler driving down 79. (a truck did just pass and I heard it. It's loud) Honestly, I think he feels displaced at the moment and feels vey much like the middle child. It's been a big lesson in patience for me. A lesson I am still learning. Family got together once more and then we got to celebrate baby number 2 for the year when Kennedy was born. 

December

Daniel turned 7 this month and it was a big issue for me. I still don't really feel right but I am working on it. Jacob had his first Christmas concert and it was so cute. Christmas was a bit rearranged this year based on everyone's schedule but we all made it work and got to celebrate Christ's birth with a candle lit service. It was a beautiful moment. Emma also got her first cold and it about broke my heart to here her cough. (It didn't stop her from rolling over for the first time, however.)Andrew quite possibly had the flu and I quite possibly am exhausted :) 

This next year is shaping up to be just as eventful with the last 2 babies to be born, first trips and first birthday's coming in. Oh, and two 30th birthdays :) I hope to be more energetic this next year and more focused. I want to love more, play more and enjoy the littles as they grow up. And not so patiently count down until Andrew turns 4 ;)  I want my heart to grow in faith and I want to continue connecting with my husband. I am eager to see what 2015 will be and hope to look back with the same fondness that dotted 2014.

2013

2012

2011

Seven.

Daniel,

This is the birthday you would have turned 7 on. This year, it's harder for me to wrap my head around. Very much out of the toddler stage, you would be a gangly school aged boy. I look at Jake and think you would be taller then him, and the two of you would be sharing in stories and homework and learning school games. I look at Andrew and think he resembles you so very much at 3.5. The two of you would probably have gotten along so well as I know he would have been your shadow. I look at Emma and my heart beats for her and you. She is my life link to you and my beautiful present from God. I look at your Daddy and know that you are etched in his heart in such a deep way. And that he holds tight to the memories he has of you and those govern the way he makes new memories with your brothers and sister. 

We all miss you every single day. For me this year, I miss knowing how you would be as a boy and not a baby. I have been so busy this last part of the year that my guilt over not being able to take care of you in the ways I can here are weighing heavy on me. Then again, I hear Jake and Andrew talk about sending balloons up to you and knowing your birthday is here and that when I draw a heart on the calendar for the 22nd and Jake recognizes it is for you, I guess I have been doing what I set out to do first and foremost, and that is keeping you present in our family. I will even talk about you to Emma.
This year, God gave us glimpses of you. In Andrew picking a dandelion. In my dream where you talked of playing with puzzles and sharing you know about your cousin, Mason, and that Rayna was having a girl. My memory was also refreshed with time hop. In having shared about you on Facebook, I get to remember those thoughts.
This year we all get to be together to remember you and celebrate Christmas. While it worried me at first, I look forward to being able to share your birthday and Christmas together. After all, you get to also celebrate your birth and Christ's birth as well. We plan on eating Oreos and releasing balloons and your brothers will be leaving gifts at your spot. We will carry about our normal and wear you in our hearts. I will kiss your brothers and sisters and send it up to you. I will hug your Daddy and linger a bit longer.  I will let myself feel the ache of not having you here.  And through it all, I will continue to thank God that you are safely tucked away for me.
I love you, Daniel Robert, always and forever my sweet boy you will be.