Another chapter

Geez. I knew I was behind in writing, but I wasn't aware just how long it has been. I guess because I've composed so many posts in my head but just never had the chance to sit and really articulate what's been going on lately. And there have been so many things going on lately.

A friend of mine posted recently that I've entered another chapter in my life (this was in response to starting a new job) and I "wittingly" replied back that I am beginning to have quite the novel. Haha. But, seriously, my book is getting quite long, quite fast.  

I did just start a new job 2 weeks ago. It wasn't something I was actively pursuing but the position presented itself and I found myself applying.  Let me preface this by saying that I am not one for change; hate it and usually talk myself out of it. And I tried often to talk myself out of it but, thankfully, I have great people that I've surrounded myself around and a God that does not give up easily and this new job is a great new start. Even though it's hard on the ego. It's difficult going from a place where I could pretty much anticipate what the resident or doctor needed, anticipate how a delivery was going to evolve and have people trust my judgement because of my work ethic and experience, and now be at a place where I have to learn a whole other side of women's health. It's hard, bruises the ego, but gotta crawl before I walk, right? In the end, this is where I know I should be and I am going to work hard to set a new spot in the office. As long as we can all get healthy over here, first. Pretty soon, we're going to have the best immune systems ever.
I planned on making this a tad bit longer, best laid plans, huh?, but I'm still trying to gain back some of the energy I've lost taking care of family and myself.  Hopefully, I can get back to writing soon because  I miss it.

Photos from the phone Friday

Photos from the phone Friday

Rock-a-night night

I got the privilege to rock Andrew to sleep tonight in my arms. He was fussy and as soon as I picked him up, he leaned his forehead into my lips for a kiss and then rested his head on my shoulder.

And my heart melted.

The lack of privacy, lack of space and quiet time this boy has allowed me the past 2 days just didn't seem so important anymore. What became important was that I have been given the gift of being this baby's Momma-and that means being there for him no matter how tired I am, no matter my needs, no matter the chores that need to get done. It's exhausting most days; Andrew is needy, clingy and loud; but he needs me to give him all of me no matter what.
And some days I will do so stubbornly because I have to reach into the bottom most pits of my being and grasp what little patience and energy I have left.  This boy challenges me more so than the other 2.  His strength, his never ending energy, his voice that reverberates off ever surface.  His need, his "no fear" attitude, his desire to seek out and learn-even at 15 months.  It's overwhelming and fascinating.   

It's no secret Andrew's little life has had a huge impact on our family.  It's not coincidence that when Ryan and I realized we had no middle name for Andrew in our post partum room and decided on Thomas that it would be perfectly matched for him.  Thomas means "twin" and he is such a little copy of Daniel.  To me, it's like Daniel left a little kiss of himself on his brother. It's comforting to know Andrew shares such special characteristics with Daniel.  I pray later Andrew will cherish that he shares Daniel's coloring, his zeal for life, his curiosities.  My bond with Andrew is so unique.  My last child; the baby of the family.  One of my reasons for moving on in my sorrow those first few months.  Sometimes I think Andrew knows we have a special relationship and seeks out my attention to remind me of that.

For as aggressive as he is, Andrew is by far, the most lovable.  His smile can light up a room.  His laugh is infectious.  His love for music reminds me to let go a little too. 

So, in my worst moments of praying for a little quiet;  I can look back and look forward and know it may seem as if I'll never be able to go to the bathroom on my own again; Andrew is growing and learning about love and commitment to one another and my "job" as his Mother is truly priceless.  And there, in those moments, I find my energy to give just a little more of myself-for my Andrew.

Photos from the phone Friday

Grief is not a nice friend

Grief is a fickle friend.  It quietly arrives leaving you wondering how you'll make it another moment and, quietly still, it moves away-but always with the notion it will make a return-unannounced and uninvited. 

 I despise this friend.

In 14, sigh, 14 months, I have said hello and good-bye to grief.  I've learned some of it's calling cards and try to brace myself for the inevitable sadness that will pursue.  Mostly,  I manage.  In fact, up until today I've navigated through some tough days fairly well.  It's the sneaky attacks that make it so much harder.  A small comment from Jake during our visit to Daniel's spot; friends dealing with death; changes in the season and missed moments with Daniel; the 19th approaching; it all quietly adds up until I find myself trying to drive through tear dampened eyes.  I want to push back and insist grief cannot make a home in my heart, but welcome some on the intrusion because without sadness, I cannot welcome back happiness and find joy in what precious gifts I still have been given.

Today is another day in a long line of days that will inevitably pop up.  And I will deal with them.  Some days I will make it just fine.  Some days, like today, I will cry and feel the ache in my arms and in my heart.  I will hold close to me those that are most precious in my life and I will not worry about the outside world.  I will be kind to myself tonight because I know the tears are not done falling.  I will miss him even more tonight and grieve over lost memories but I will prevail in knowing I have forever and ever and ever with him eventually.  

15 months...

..and also my 100th post on this blog.  Wow.

Andrew:

You are something else.  Since turning a year you have just exploded into one huge ball of energy and joy and sound.  The noises that come from your mouth can rival any megaphone.  You laugh hard, scream harder and make so many words.  Currently you can say "outside" "bird" "dada" "mama" "car" "muah" "ca-ca" (for coo coo) "ju" (for juice) "shoe" "yeah" (and shake you head so cute when you do say it) "kaka" (kitty cat), "dis" and "cup". 

Long lost is the docile infant.  You are now a force to be reckoned with.  You can easily match strength, energy and eating with the big kids.  Jake can honestly be frightened of you now.  I've never had a child bite when he doesn't get his way and then a second later ask for a kiss. 

You're a climber.  On everything.  People, couches, rocking chairs (a favorite), hills, slides..the list is almost endless.  But you love to be carried. You could be the fussiest child and as soon as someone picks you up, it all turns off. 

If ever for a moment I thought you would be similar to your big brothers, I was only right in a small sense.  You love music like Daniel did.  Especially "Pontoon".  You dance and jump all over the place.  You also place your hands over your ears and listen to the sounds that you make just like Daniel did.  You enjoy driving cars and make such funny sounds while doing so.  You have temper that can rival Jake's. (I wish that wasn't a similarity between you two :)  You have a quiet sense about you when you meet new people simiar to Daniel; it's like you're sizing them up but you can just as easily jump in and play with others which makes it fun for Jake at the park. 

You have started to come into your own fast and furious, though.  You love goats and chickens; pretty much any animal in general.  Sometimes you don't know your own strength though, so we work really hard on being gentle.  Books. You love books.  But you rather sit on someone's lap and flip the pages yourself.  How dare someone try and read the book to you. 

I think my favorite part about you is your eyebrows.  They are so dark compared to your hair. (And your hair is a close second to one of my favorite parts of you)  You can show practically every emotion you're feeling just with those eyebrows.  OK, and your smile too.  Such a large, happy smile.  It melts me.  And your excitement when myself or Daddy comes home.

If you don't play football in school, then I've read you all wrong.  Your body was built to throw down.  The endurance and strength you have is astonishing for someone who is only 15 months.  People double take at your size. 

Raising such a big, boisterous little boy does have some challenges.  It's often that I pray you use your voice to speak honest truths and your strength and size to build up and not break down.  You were meant to be a special person in our lives and the lives of others and I pray your abilities touch the hearts of many.  I know you've undoubtedly touched my heart in a special, special way.