In your ninth year...

I know I have not been active for a very long time on Blogger. I originally started this as an outlet as I walked through the earliest moments of living a new life clothed in grief. Reading back on the earliest posts, sifting through the tragic emotions-raw and fragile-I don't think I knew if I was ever going to be "normal" again. 

Then, it felt like a never ending sea, riding a shipwrecked vessel, wondering when solid ground would appear. Riding a wave of hope, feeling the ups and downs of it's current. Looking up to the Heavens and praying for shelter, for protection, for answers for the loss and the damage and the empty.

Daniel, be proud, please. In these years, Mommy has found that ground. Each year, more is revealed. God gives more view of the surroundings within my life. He places people onto this ever-growing firm platform. People for me, for your family. People who need us to share God. People who we need to share their God. While we will never fully know why this side of Heaven, God this year has shown the beauty in the suffering while we do wait. It's been in His word and in His earthly world. I know each step and path to this moment was lighted by Him. I will NEVER forget He makes beauty from ashes, comfort from pain, growth from loss. He is beauty. He gave us you and when your purpose was complete, He promised us you for forever. He reminds us of His promise in the smell of roses-sudden and overpowering. In your sister and brothers. Emma with her eyes-a glimpse into you-and her life itself. With Andrew and his unruly hair and passion for family closeness. With Jake and his growth as the older brother, in his memories and tenderness for those memories. With your Daddy and his love for all of us. His dedication to his family. And God is there when I still call out, when the tears fall. When my eyes close in remembrance of you. Trying to draw upon your face and hands-oh those hands-your little ears that always stuck out a bit, your crooked toe, the freckle on your bottom. He is there when I wish I had more time to know you and be a better Mom for you.

He shares Himself in this Christmas season. Maybe it's no coincidence that we celebrate your life with the story of Jesus'? This season, I have learned lessons in this waiting. Faith and hope and love can remain in the waiting. I have been reminded of suffering and hurt ultimately ends with peace and joy. Because through it all, my eyes are on Him. It will be well. I trust in this.

Daniel, I love you with a fierceness that transcends space. As my son, you have made me. I couldn't be perfect for you, but you loved me in spite of that. Your life continues to guide me so that someday we can truly live, and live perfectly together. 

Each of your family today will be reminded of you, what you meant to each of us. I pray today-and every day your memory passes within us-you know this and feel it. 5 years away from us, 9 years aged in our hearts, infinite time together. My hope and strength rests in that.

I love you, sweet boy. Until then.

Faith.

{Where science and faith meet.} Apparently cloud iridescence is a rare occurrence. These instances both occurred when 2 entirely different people-in 2 different states-looked up to the Heavens. I can't speak for the other-only share in what she saw-but for me, I was looking up for help. Looking for a promise in all of this we are experiencing right now. It's actually rare for me to look so high up-aren't we all just plowing by in the day, trying to get from A to B? He got my attention. As long as my focus is on Him, He's got this. I'm not afraid-sad, yes-but not afraid. That assurance comes where the unseen meets the seen. As always, I remain confident I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Each day. One person. One change in what we do. That's all it takes to create a momentum that can change US.

Eight.

Daniel:

At this point eight years ago, I was probably trying to get some sleep but failing miserably because of the anticipation of your arrival. It may have even been around the time your grandpa was sleeping sitting up in the room. I know both your grandmas were up and chatting and trying to pass the time. I am pretty sure your Aunt Rachel was there, ball cap on and coffee in hand. Your Daddy was sprawled in the recliner to my left, leg crossed over one another and probably trying to rest, too. At 6:23 this very day 8 years ago, our lives would all change. You came into this world and you were placed into each of our arms-and left the biggest imprint on our hearts. No one here could have ever comprehended the journey that would be started a short 3.5 years later. It's been hard and it's been moving.

This year has been different then the others. I feel as a family unit, we all have grown closer. I know it's a cascading effect from our experiences with you in our lives and our experiences learning how to continue on with you in our memories. Your Aunts and Uncles welcomed in new members of the family. It was with you that their closest and truest forms of learning to love something so little started. It's carried on into each of the kisses and hugs they give your nieces and nephews. I know my kisses and hugs to them is sweetened with your memory. In those kids, your legacy grows. Your great grandpa joined you this year. His passing was a shock to all of us. For me, it's still sometimes a surprise that he isn't here. I find him on my mind more then I thought would happen. His life and passing is another reminder of how quickly life is-and coupled with all our experiences of having you leave physically, I think made us all revisit what matters most. You get the new great grandpa experiences at this moment and I can hear his laugh at all your antics when I close my eyes and imagine.

We all have had separate and intimate moments with God this year, most are internalized but the start with the relationship change was built upon your life. For me, my whole heart is strengthened as our family joins together under the cross. Your Daddy and I gave Jake his first Bible recently. Your brother has grown so much as a little first grader this year. From the beginning, I wondered what role Jake would play as he stepped into oldest brother/second born. You would be so proud of him. I am. He is such a smart little boy. You should see him with his newest love-Legos. He is getting to a point where talk is easier with him as he can comprehend more. It may lead to harder questions but I know it will be met with true answers. The care he gives your sister is much like what I know you would have shown Andrew. How you did show Andrew in the too few moments you had with him. Your littlest brother has boomed this year, too. I know you would have probably kept him contained in all his crazy-or maybe encouraged it! Andrew continues to be sour and sweet. The emotions that radiate through his little body is exhausting but his heart is so big. Sometimes I wonder if you have a hand in his little caring heart. Your sister continues to be a light to anyone she encounters. It's becoming even more evident recently. Just in the past few days alone, I have had multiple people exclaim how special she is. And she is. She really is. There aren't many little sisters that get to have 3 brothers-one who already knew her before she was gifted to us. I think-I know-there is a part of you in her that radiates from the inside out. It was my prayer, after all, that she always know you and knows her special role in this family. I think deep within her, she does truly know who you are. It may seem that I focus on her so much, but in her, I can see and feel God's grace. She was a gift we all didn't ever know we needed. Your Daddy and I continue to experience healing and growth. It isn't always easy and when the hurt does come, it really hurts because we love and miss you so very much, but together, we do it. I know you would be so proud of us and the bond we have. I love your Daddy so much. 

This birthday, I think it's setting in more of how long you have not been here with us. Eight sounds so old. I think of the milestone years I have yet to encounter and it seems so daunting. Scary. But, here I do sit with another birthday year enveloping my mind and I am making it. This year, Jake and Andrew started learning about others. We collected a Christmas Child box in your honor and tonight we get to sit under the majesty of a Christmas celebration at church. It really will be the perfect way to honor you and your life. Without God's promise and gift of His son, I-we-would not have such a emboldening assurance of everlasting salvation and eternity with you. In the worst of worsts, in the dark and hurting thoughts, that still shines brightest. I know for me, as I celebrate and witness such a testimony to Jesus' birth, your birth and life will not be far from my thoughts. After all, God gave me you as a son to save me. 

I love you with every bit of my being, sweet boy. You will always be my Dan man, monkey man. My first born. My promise of goodness and light.

Happy birthday, Daniel. I love you.

Emerson

It has been a ridiculously long time since I have stopped long enough to consider writing. Some of  this is the busyness of working and mothering 3 young children. Some of this is not wanting to explore my thoughts so closely. As always, however, it eventually comes to a head and leaves me sobbing in bed next to Ryan. (Which, truth be told, has been a first in a long while that I have openly grieved) This year I thought October and Fall would pass and I wouldn't have the moments of intense longing and missing Daniel. That isn't to say I never feel the nagging and pushing as it edges in around other moments and thoughts, I just really thought at 4 years out I could handle it better. It's always the same, though. It starts with feeling displaced and irritable and unusually moody. Looking back, there are always signs pointing to the need for an intense cry and grieving session, but I don't ever see them for what they are until later. 

It eventually leaves me sitting at his spot with fall decorations placed a month later then I intended, awing at the fact the police car remains and angered at the idea that I have not dreamt of him in 2 years. It never feels like a terribly difficult request. I just want to see him and hug him and smell his boy hair. I want to be able to have him present with his cousins and not have to settle with his sister wearing a necklace to represent him. It's in those moments when I am the most honest with myself, that I sorrow the hardest. It's quite amazing what the mind can do to protect itself until the air of vunerability is present. 

Sitting there, I let my mind focus on the part of the feelings I had been sequestering for so long. This year, the part that hurts the most is that the more I move away from the time with him the more it seems like he was more a dream than a reality. It is an awful, awful feeling. It's like talking about a character in a book and the relationship only going as far as the end of the book; it is so real during and the once the story is complete, the character isn't as relevant. Daniel is not as tangible as he once was and this is by far the worst part of the grief process. There isn't a memory or smell or video or picture that can conjure up all of the parts of him as vividly as before. 

When I spoke of Daniel in the dark intimate setting of our bedroom, saying his name out loud shocked me. It was more then my duty as a Mother to preserve his name and presence with the kids; I was mentioning him to his Daddy and it felt so much more private. For Ryan's sake I don't mention the secrets of my heart; I grieve so differently then him and my emotions are always so much more raw it seems, but I had to utter the whispers of my heart-Daniel doesn't seem as close anymore. That was probably the hardest sentence I have ever had to say. It was a really dark moment for me.

And then tonight I read this:

"All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen"

And my mind races with the moments I have had between uttering my worst fear and reading such a big promise. Andrew lying on me and feeling his little blonde boy hair and 4 year old feet. Jake's stories and assurance that Daniel lives in him, Emma's sweet face and eyes and baby warmth.  Sharing his story with someone new and having them "get it". Watching his little baby face grin at me from behind the camcorder. Seeing him dance and stick toys under his hat like his favorite Imagination Movers characters. Watching our last Christmas together and remembering the excitement Ryan and I had over gift buying. 

Suddenly, Daniel doesn't seem so far away. He is now just presented differently. He lives in his brothers and sister. He peeks through in Emma's eyes and smile. In Andrew's hair and profile. In Jake's memory. He is even represented in that little police car that has weathered almost 4 years of changing conditions and continues to remain present. He tugs at my faith and reminds me to carry on in God's grace. That these hard moments are just that-moments. That the longest and best time is so much bigger then any hard times on Earth. It's in these times where I am reminded to look at his pictures longer, harder. Memorize each detail. In doing so, I am able to put on the armor of protection from the scary fears I have because I can recall more of him. 

Fighting grief is such a hard and barbarous process. A heart can take many hits during the course of the battle. But it's such a strong muscle. With each emotional break, it can build back stronger and more sustainable. 

I only need to continue putting into practice what I learn and received from God. His peace is present and dwells in me. He will always guard my heart and strengthen me as long as I leave it open for fixing. As long as I remember His light is present in the darkness. In those times, I can recall my special verse:
I remain confident in this: I will see the Lord's loving kindness while I am here in the land of the living...be strong and take heart.

Mountains and Valleys

It's been a long while since I have really committed to thinking and writing about life after Daniel-year 4. It's like mentally there is a hard stop in my brain and I can't formulate a thought, let alone get the time to type it all out. This month, however, the thoughts and the emotions are fizzing to the surface and the ever constant reminder through it all isn't allowing me to just push it down and address it later. There are pictures and words I have written in the past, a bystander walk through with another who is visiting the freshest parts of grief, and most recently a service dedicated to lamenting. 

I have come along way since those moments where I did scream out in pain-a Mother's heart ripped from the very chest where her child had lain his head. I have walked a path that was filled with somber hurt, numbing thoughts, fear and failure. I have been at the very base of a mountain and in the deepest of the valleys. I have moved 4 years farther from time with my son and 4 years closer to him in the same seconds. I have ebbed and flowed in my nearness and distance with God. Never forgetting where my strength comes from but sometimes thinking I was strong enough without that power source. 

It was the words written by David in Psalm 6 that I heard last night with ears longing to catch what my mind could not formulate. 

1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. 

2 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. 

3 My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? 

4 Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. 

5 No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave ? 

6 I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. 

7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. 

8 Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. 

9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer. 

10 All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed; they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

While this was probably written when David had a physical ailment, have I not suffered the same bone agonizing pain and felt my soul cry out? Physically, mentally, spiritually I will never be the same person I was 4 years ago. I have read the condemnation of people, I have grappled with the guilt of being a parent who felt like a failure and I have wondered why God would take a child. Last night I heard words that 4 years ago would have pissed me off. That would not have made sense to me. I only knew enough to know whatever I was going to encounter from there on out was going to be hard and I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere on my own.  It was like there was this innate longing for someone to take me and hold me up and give me answers. It was the building of a lifetime of encounters with God-known to me and unknown to me-that was preparing me for the moments where I would hurt the deepest and cry the hardest. 

As I move into year 4, I am getting the chance to reflect on years 1-3.  As I sat in that auditorium, words that I had been trying to formulate in my mind, were being spoken by a pastor. 

"Pain is preparing for service"

"...believing in advance what will make sense in the past"

"it's not the load that breaks you, it's how you carry it"

And he finished with Matthew 11:28-30

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

This verse was one of the very first verses in my newfound faith that rung the truest to me. I remember sitting at Dorsett Village with my infant Daniel at my feet and thinking, "this is a God who can make my life right". I wrote this in May of 2008: 

"There couldn't have been a more perfect sermon this Sunday than the one my pastor gave. Each week I am in awe of how God's word seems to speak so closely to me-and it was no exception this Sunday. Pastor Mark talked on the "school of life" and the required "courses" we take (life, death and judgement) and our "electives" (choosing our way of life, what to do with Jesus and our destination). 

We are required to live, to die and have judgement called upon us. What we choose to do with our lives is strictly up to each and every one of us; and I have chosen to live my life for Christ. I have opened my door to receive Him and call on Him and place my burdens in His hand-to rest my soul. I am never ceased to be humbled in all that He does for me every day. 

Thank you Lord for gently guiding me in my decisions, for watching over my

family-my entire family-for giving me the chance to live for YOU"

Over the course of the years from that, I did wax and wane, but it was the initial opening of my heart to Him that allowed Him to flood me when I was most damaged. 

Year 4 is here and so is my story. His story. Daniel's story. 

I will use this pain and this growth to show how joy can last in the midst of suffering. Suffering that doesn't have to always be bone crushing but can be a whisper-and can still be overcome.  

Daniel:

I miss you. I miss you everyday. It sometimes hurts to hear Jake talk about you, but it's so healing, too. I know that you are part of this family in every moment. I wish I could have had every moment of your lift captured so I could look at it and hear it. But I take consolation in that I have so many people that love you and talk about you and don't shy away from your memory. It sometime feels like it's going to be an eternity until I get to see you, and then I remind myself I get that eternity with you. Until then, I will keep improving myself, my faith and my relationships for you. You gave me so much more than a title; you gave me a chance to be something bigger then all of this. To live for something bigger then this. I love you, baby.

Until then...

ABC of me

A blog I follow who follows another blog did an "ABC of me" and I thought, "why not?" I haven't been blogging as much as I used to and I do enjoy answering questions about myself.

A: age 29
B: biggest fear: losing another child
C: current time: lunchtime!
D: drink I last had: water
E: easiest person to talk to: My Mom
F: favorite song: "Roll to Me" I have a ton of favs so this is the very first I can remember labeling as a fav
G:grossest Memory: having to do wound cleaning on a patient whose wounds tunneled one into the other
H: hometown: St Louis
I: in love with: Dunkin Donuts. It's bad
J: jealous of: people who can travel often
K: killed someone: this is a weird question. No. But plenty of bugs
L: longest relationship: My best friend, Rachel. 18 years and counting
M: middle name: Rose
N: number of sibs: 1 brother
O: one wish: To see all my kids together
P: person I last called: Mercy for an induction
Q: question I am always asked: "Are you the nurse?"
R: reason to smile: my lady, Emma
S: song I last sang: "Roll to Me". It's now stuck in my head
T: time I woke: 5:30
U: underwear: red
V: vaca destination: I'm choosing to answer this as where I really want to go: Ireland
W: worst habit: leaving my dinner dish on the table
X: xray I have had: just of teeth
Y: your fav food: tacos
Z: zodiac: Leo

Andrew is 4

This post is a bit late in the day but it's fitting in that Andrew was the main reason it hasn't been done. Well, and Emma. Both have needed attention today. Plus, getting Andrew to be still in one spot for more then 30 seconds is terribly hard. 

Andrew,

You turned 4 today. Even though we celebrated earlier, you still got to choose breakfast, dinner and dessert and got a new Paw Patrol toy. Daddy and I still don't know how you learned about Paw Patrol but it is your new best thing. Right up there with Power Rangers. 

I use pictures of the past year to help jog my memory when I write these posts and the most common picture I see of you is one that shows big smiles, tremendous energy and goofiness. I never knew pictures could display so much in a still image, but with you it's entirely possible. Daddy and I often use your name as an adjective; mostly in describing you. How else can we talk about Andrew without just saying, "he is so Andrew"? You have the biggest and brightest smile and your whole face lights up. And while your mouth can produce the best smile ever, it also produces the most noise ever. Sometimes you just need to scream. I really think if you stay still for too long it just bubbles out and you have to release some energy. We are constantly reminding you which voice volume is appropriate when. 
You've reached a stage where you can be very jealous of your sister and attention drawn away from you. It's been a bit harder dropping you off at daycare and it requires extra hugs and kisses. This past week you spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa's and wanted to sleep in the pack n play in their room and specifically asked if a pink dinosaur was Emma's and when Grandma answered in the affirmative, you wanted it. Daddy and I try to make special times for all of you and you especially make it known when it's going to be an Andrew only day. I fear for you in the middle child roll and I know I've placed you there sometimes. I consciously make sure I acknowledge your growth with counting, writing and letter recognition in school and praise you and look at only you. And try to recognize when you need a hug versus when you need hug and a few more minutes in a hold. Physical touch is very important to you.
You are still just as stubborn and determined as ever. You get a look to you when you are stuck in your way and you can lace a statement with some barbed words if you've been hurt. You've gotten very good at crossing your arms and pouting. But completely on the flip side is your ability to still give what you have and think of others and help out. I've witnessed you giving up a treat to share with Jake and you've volunteered to help me and always want to help Grandpa with cars. You always want to get a gift for Jake and Sophia when we buy you a little something; it may be with our money but it's the thought :)
You are also a bit set in your ways. Shorts have to be just so, there are certain shirts you have a preference to wear and we must always fix your socks because the ribbed part near the toes bothers you.   it can be a bit tiring dressing you in the morning. 
You play hard. Whether it be as a superhero, or riding your bikes or playing ball, it is done with much enthusiasm. I sometimes wonder if you'll be involved with theater since you are so theatrical. You really do love to be surrounded by people. You still really can't play by yourself for very long. are also a great staler. You will find just about any excuse to get out of bed and when going back almost always take the long way around. You sleep crazy, too. Once, we found you under our bed when you were sleeping on our floor and another you got stuck at the bottom of your sleeping bag and couldn't get out. Thankfully, you've stopped taking off your pull up in the morning and climbing into bed with Jake sans bottoms.  
This year we will start preparing you for Kindergarten. I know this is going to be another period of big growth for you and I hope your Daddy and I can grow you up accordingly. You are my bigger then life child and the most dependable one for a cuddle or hug. I know this next year will be busy and big just because you're in it and I look forward to watching you become a big kid. Love you, Andrew Thomas. So much. 

What is your favorite number?  

4
Who are your friends? 
Elena, Austin, Caleb, Advaith, Josh
What is your favorite toy? 
Paw Patrol Marshall Firetruck

What is your favorite food?  

Cake and Pizza
What is your favorite color?
Green and blue
What is your favorite thing to play outside? 
Play with my helicopter
What is your favorite car? 
Green car
What is your favorite book? 
Paw Patrol book
What is your favorite animal? 
Monkey and Zebra
What do you want to do when you grow up? 
Police
What is your favorite thing to do at school? 
Play with toys
Who are your favorite teachers? 
Ms Elena

Andrew is 3