Daniel.

I'm a fairly practical person. Yes, my emotions can run most of my life (I like to think that is what makes me uniquely me) but I am can see the practicality is most things. For instance, the matter of the weather becoming warmer and the need for the boys to change from winter to summer wear. I was aware long ago that eventually Jake would reach a time when 4t summer clothes would have to make an appearance. And it's ok. Yes, the articles of clothing removed from storage were the same shirts and shorts Daniel was wearing months before he died, but Jake needs summer wear and we have it. However, I think it's fair to myself to overrule wearing one shirt in particular. That's my prerogative. 

I was about 7 months pregnant with Andrew when Ryan selflessly stayed awake after working all night so that we may have a family day on Sunday. I remember feeling slightly ashamed that I was skipping out on church but knew that our days as a family of 4 were getting more slim with each passing day, and a rare chance to enjoy such beautiful weather with all of us couldn't be ignored. We walked all around old St Charles, walked to the river and back and enjoyed climbing on rocks. We also got a nice ride on a golf cart back to our car at the end of our day (I like to think it was my huge belly that won us that ride) It was also that day that Ryan took one of my favorite pictures of Daniel and the very picture we used at his funeral. Logic cant be argued when the very shirt in the picture I stared at for days upon days upon days is in my hands once more. I love all of my men, but that is one shirt that cannot cover another's back. I think it would hurt my heart too much. As of now, it's hard to comprehend how that shirt contoured around his little body. 

***

And since I'm on the subject of Daniel, I want to share a moment I had. It was one of the days I was driving to the new house shortly after we moved. I was alone in the car and alone with my thoughts when I got this overpowering scent of roses. For a long time I wore a necklace made of dried roses from Daniel's funeral and whenever I smelled the fragrance wafting up from my necklace line, I thought of him. I stopped wearing it a few months ago when I had a scare that it fell off and I lost it. It was found quickly, thank you, God. I smelled my air freshener, I looked into the compartment where my necklace does lay still but neither were emitting the aroma. I can with 100% certainly {faith} that that smell was for me as a reminder that Daniel is near me always. I had been having the biggest fear our new home would still feel empty, but my roses were a sign, a showing from God, that as long as my memory and my heart are filled with love for Daniel, my home will never be without him. In the days since I sometimes sniff my car strongly to see if the smell will present itself again, but it doesn't happen. What I got to experience was such a special gift from a Father that can hear my cry no matter how quietly I may present it. 

***

And before I almost started crying tonight, my Jake, in ways only a child can, lifted my spirits by exclaiming over the clothes that Daniel sometimes makes funny faces at him.  And our verse tonight was on Jesus being alive. He is alive. And my Daniel is alive in Heaven, in our memory, in our stories, our pictures, our hearts, our home. 

There will be more time for a longer post in the coming days, but for tonight I just want to document the absolute peace I felt sitting with Andrew in my lap, Jake and Ryan next to me and Daniel's picture placed squarely on our wall, together in our new home as a family.

It's been a long road traveled but in that moment, everything came together as it was meant to be.

I deactivated my Facebook account. It's been a long time coming, but I finally stopped making excuses for why I "needed" the account and removed it completely. I cannot say I miss it one iota. The past few days Jake has taken to calling us Mom and Dad occasionally. It sounds so foreign to my ears and so grown up coming out of his little voice. How is it that he's going to be 4 soon? He's introduced his "guy" recently. He only comes out in the morning and Jake helps him get dressed. Today, his guy was going to stay in bed today because he was sick. He had a rough week last week at daycare and this week he's been an all-star. He even asked his teacher to write a note that he's "been listening". He practically burst at the seams to show us his good boy note. It's currently hanging on the fridge. I've taken to earnestly praying before even leaving the parking lot of daycare that kindness and gentleness grow in his heart-and patience to the teacher. Prayer helps. Andrew is quickly losing his little boy looks and settling into the toddler stage.  The height on that child shocks me-and I'm used to tall children. The joy that boy brings me is too special for words. He says his own prayers now, too. My most favorite times with him are after bath and before bed. We get the chance to hug and unwind. And I get a nice pat on the back. Daniel has been on my mind so much. I know it's a lot to do with moving. I came across pictures I hadn't seen recently. That ache will never go away. I read some sad news on a blog I've read for over 5 years. My heart aches for her family. The words I want to speak to her simply cant form on my tongue so I've been praying and lifting them all up to our God. There are going to be so many joyful events happening soon and it makes me so happy to feel the fog that had enveloped me so much last year is lifting so that I can truly enjoy some special moments. I think I am always so ridiculously bad at closing a post, and this one is going to be no exception. It is what it is, I guess. My eyes are starting to burn from tears and mascara. It happens when thinking of Daniel. The tears, not the burning (but it does accompany the tears when I do actually get the chance to put make up on, like today) That probably won't ever go away, either. As promised, since I deactivated my Facebook, here are some recent pictures of the men. The second one is my new fav :)

I had to lay down with Andrew this afternoon so that he could settle himself down to nap. Not unlike another brother of his that needed the same. Laying with Andrew and watching his eyelashes flutter to his cheeks and watching his mouth sigh with the release he was finally giving in to, my mind wandered to another time when I would lay with Daniel and help him fall asleep. I remember even taking a flashlight in once to read a book while he settled down. I can still feel the slipperiness of his water proof mattress under his Toy Story sheets and smell the scent of a little boy

We're moving soon. Very soon. To another home, in another county entirely. Most often when I think of moving, I'm excited at the prospect of building, planning, shaping a new future with my men. I am gearing up for more change. This time it is more about healing then the feeling of being torn apart from the inside. Our little family has made it almost 2 years in the limbo of working past the old to rebuild the new. God has led us through the valley, He has prepared a home for us and throughout, the chance to mourn, learn, practice patience and appreciate family.
Please pray for a smooth transition as our family, once again, reinvents a newer normal. I can't wait to share what God has prepared for us.

Photos from the phone

I've been absent from here recently. Life has been churning along and new developments rising. Babies have been growing. At some point ill pull it from my mind to here, but until, here are some photos from my phone

I've held 41 week babies. I've held 38 week babies. 27 week babies. 23 weeks. 13 weeks. Today, I held a 5 week gestation baby.  

It left me feeling so insignificantly small. Notwithstanding the way it got into my hands, it was the most beautiful, most mesmerizing, most miraculous image.  The complexity, the strands of DNA that strummed together to form this perfect little person, enveloped in it's protective barrier, how can anyone look at this and doubt God? Doubt life? I only wish people could experience the gifts of life I have witnessed and been a part of.With my own eyes, I saw the spot of red where it's little heart had drummed. 

Red.

The color that symbolizes life and love. 

It put me in a whole different place today. So, when Jacob started talking about Daniel being able to go to school with him "since Daniel didn't have one and Daniel was his friend and we shouldn't play with guns, unless it's toy guns, and it hurt his ears when he and Daniel were playing in Mommy and Daddy's room and he was sitting next to Daddy but was sad because Mommy wasn't at the house and he really wanted to see me but had to sit next to the policemen" I could handle his truthfulness. My heart was tuned to the grace of God. My heart was tuned to the love of life and the care and home He has given us to those that believe in Him. And I was ok talking with Jake. It hurt, but the reminder that life is strong and delicate and so much more then what we make of it here on Earth, kept me grounded. To be able to speak so matter of factly and know that Heaven is a real place to go after death; I was envious of Jacob's perspective. And thankful that I can have the ability to share that death doesn't have to be this horrible end, but a beautiful beginning to something I can only dream of now. 

I pray that I can continue to honor the faint line between life and death and that my children have a deep respect for the sanctity of life; whether it be in the image of their brother or in the sac of a 5 week baby. 

This past week

Things I have learned this past week:

 

If one person in our house of gets sick, no amount of cleaning, disinfecting and Clorox wipes are going to prevent the others from getting sick as well.

 

If it wasn't for my online Bible study, I probably would not have opened my Bible this week. It's been that kind of week. Praising God again for this group of ladies.

 

Ryan is so generous. And knows me fairly well :)

 

Jake and insomnia can be pretty funny.

 

I now know my breaking point at work. It involves the giggling and immature actions over a potentially unfunny situation. I am still working on forgiveness.

 

Deleting the Facebook app on my phone literally felt like a release of stress. Weird.

 

Again I am stunned to see the resemblance of Daniel and Andrew. And the subtle ways Daniel pops up in Jake, as well.

 

Febrile seizures occuring after the age of 3 can still happen, but are rare. Jake has now had 2.

 

Seeing your husband sit in the the ER with you and hearing him exclaim something normal would be so nice once in awhile would make you just want to cry.

 

Going back to the ER for a child with incredible stomach pain and no urination for over 24 hours did make me cry.

 

Seeing the xray of an incredible amount of gas and no obstruction made me smile, get angry at the ER fee-2 in 24 hours!-and pray I don't see the inside of the ER the rest of the year.

 

Jacob has grown up so much. They way he talks, the way he acts when we're out and about. All of a sudden, he's become this little boy and shed his toddler appearance.

 

A glass of chocolate milk is delicious when a day has been stressful

As difficult as it is starting to feel not having our own space still, I know deep in my heart that God is planning it all perfectly for the home we've been patiently waiting for