Andrew and 2

Andrew and I have not had such a great week. Ryan and I had a sinking suspicion Andrew was going to be more of a challenge at 2 then Daniel and Jake when he was born, and the premonition is coming to fruition. Andrew does not do anything at 50%. He's an all or nothing kinda kid. Which is great-most of the time. This past week he's been loud, he's been emotional, he's been hitting, screaming, and crying. He can't sit still. He doesn't understand no or wait or that's Jake's. He slammed the fridge door and broke glass bottles and at that point I stood there and just started crying. After a night of trying to keep him entertained at Jake's taekwondo class (I broke down and got the kid ice cream too just to placate him) eventually having to raise my voice, I just lost it.

He is 2. I'm not new to this Mommy business. I get that he doesn't understand I was already having a hard time before. (It's that season again. Missing Daniel a lot) But I am human. And my limit was done. I thought to myself, how am I going to make it another year with his emotional lability? 

And then this morning while I was changing him for school, he jumps into my lap, grabs me in a hug only Andrew can do (arms wrapped around the neck, snuggled into me) and says, "oves you, Mommy". In that moment, I got just enough strength to know I'll make it through this trying time. And I will continue to love on that little boy even when his attitude makes me want to scream. He's my special, special guy and that bond that we share is still very present. And that cannot change despite age 2 or 3 and whatever else the growing years will bring. 

I've been quiet over here again. It's not for lack of things going on in life and in my mind; it's just trying to find all the time to fit it in. I'm lying in bed typing this out on my phone if that's any indication on when I can squeeze this in. I did make a promise to myself, however, that I would continue to write if God purposed continuing my story; so here I am, lying in bed and making that time. 

October is one of my favorite months. Other then Christmas, there isn't another time that lightens my soul and fills me up with such joy. It goes without saying too much that the October of 2011 was hard.  Like many things that I now have to do in my day to day that Daniel isn't included in, celebrating that Fall was like a big slap in the face; a dose of the truest reality that my boy wasn't going to be by my side. It was hard. I struggled a lot. I was in a constant pull of wrapping myself in sorrow and peeling it back to catch the rays of hope. I made every effort to be more there in life and fight the grief that had wormed it's way in. 

2 years later, I still do have that battle. Without understanding how I am until I can see myself from the other side, I grow more despondent and fitful. Little things bother me more and seem to grow bigger in need. I can be short tempered and retreat more into myself.  Joy with the new life I am living gets replaced with the hurt of my former life. I feel cheated, jealous and sad. I cry. I try and comfort myself but I've since learned, I cannot comfort myself in this time; I just have to accept it for what it is and keep in the back recesses of my mind that there is hope once this part of grieving is done. 

And then I come out of it. It doesn't last as long as I feel it does. I'm not sure what triggers the change; maybe it's because I gave myself that time; or maybe it's because I've fought this battle enough times that my arsenal of hope pushes the bad thoughts back. All I know is that each time I come back, I can embrace life better. Each time I fight the fight, I grow stronger in my desire to hold close what it truly dear.
The most recent pumpkin patch excursion is a great example of the change that occurs when given time to heal and allow to be healed. 2 years ago we began a wonderful tradition of celebrating Fall with my very closest friend and her family. Whom I love, love, love. I can remember October of 2011. I was autopilot Mom. Going through the motions for the kids and really trying hard to grab some of the happiness I was trying to give the boys. Really, most of that entire day was spent wishing Daniel to be a part of it. Making new memories and experiences without having him there to share in it felt really lacking. Fast forward to this past year. (2012 was spent at home as we were in the middle of daycare illnesses) The sting of continuing with something so fun and not having Daniel there was less. The laughter was more real. The smiles truly genuine. My point in all of this is this; there is joy for those that seek it. There is the purest form of happiness if you choose to embrace it. I will forever choose. 

Psalm 27:13 

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodnesswhile I am here in the land of the living. 

There are just some things

Since the weather is turning cooler-at least for the moment; it is Missouri after all-I started going through the clothes change. I found some Batman Pjs that I honestly don't know how I got because I don't remember Daniel or Jake wearing them, but they fit Andrew now and he's thrilled. He is currently wearing them. I put Andrew down for his nap today and decided to see if I could find Daniels old Batman costume from Halloween a few years ago. I couldn't find it but I did come across Daniel's last pair of tennis shoes. I vaguely remember putting them in his box. Seeing them again was hard. I know it's just a pair of shoes but they were his and, like with all the things he uses to wear, some just hold more memories then other things. It's usually the things that capture his size at the time before he died. 

I am also trying to learn to allow Jake to handle more of Daniel's mementos. He is currently sleeping with an old football Emily and Tanner gave Daniel when he was born. I am really trying to understand that sometimes the tangible helps the memory and you know I desperately want Jake to always remember his big brother, so I am biting back the notion something will happen to the ball and allowing Jake the experience.  

His shoes and his ball coupled with the changes and smells of a fall that is quickly approaching  is really playing with my heart. Fall is a very special time for me and the early part always makes me miss him more. There are just some things that I don't know will ever get easier. 

Thankfully, I've leaned it is far better to embrace what I am feeling then to push it further down. A good cry tends to make it less consuming and writing it down does, too. It's a good acknowledgment of what I am experiencing and it doesn't overfill my cup so I can go about with daily life. 

And today is a good reminder to myself that I am only human.

Death {and hope}

9/11 has specific meaning and memory for many of us. For me, it's remembering sophomore year sitting in history class after just getting out of gym and not quite understanding what the world trade tower crash meant to us as a society. It's watching the video footage again and again and sitting in English the whole week discussing the tragedy. Of being in proximity to some that knew of those or that had loved ones actually perish. Later, it meant feeling a surge of pride as I recognized the many that made and had made the decision to join the armed services. My Dad, my brother. And even later still, it was my own salvation on 9/11/2011 as I made my formal commitment to God as I was baptized and made anew. 

I had an impromptu heart to heart with someone near and dear to me today. Conflicting emotions due to the anniversary of 9/11 and the passing of a co worker who so bravely fought the breast cancer battle pressed in her mind.

With the thought of death and dying staring more boldly today, there was an opportunity to also share the hope that proceeds death. It's a fact of life; an event that must occur. An event that must be embraced even if it hurts. I have watched death settle in. I have watched the eyes bright light be removed and seen breaths stilled. But in it all, I have physically felt the life of God still my breaking heart. I have felt His great hands lift me from my sorrow and give me reason to move. I have heard his words whispered and even shouted into my ears, full of promise of something so much bigger. Death can be the beginning of something greater if you allow. It can bring about change in your life, bring perspective to your actions, bring peace to your heart. 

 I find myself reflecting on Romans 5 when I find myself burdened with the idea of death.

Romans 5:3-4 

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 

I know there is everlasting hope even when it feels like there's been an absolute end. 

1 Peter 1:6-7 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 

No matter, God is there. Will always be there. There are no surprises, no feats he cannot handle. Death could not stop Him and He will not let death overpower us. 

And I have absolute hope in that.

Andrew is 2 (and 2 months)

Andrew. 

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.

You by far are the most unique of the boys. You definitely beat to your own drum. You have a strong opinion, a strong disposition, and a strong body. Seriously, you verbalize what you want (or show it), you will stand firm on what you want and do not waiver until you have it, and you can literally push Jake's dead weight up a small hill on a bike. 

Since turning 2, your vocabulary has gotten more expansive. You are making 3 word sentences and we are having to guess less on what you want. You can count to 3, say A B and C and try to "read" books.  You love motorcycles ("cocor cycles")  and trains and PaPa. You associate motorcycles with PaPa and have even gotten the privilege to ride with him. From the driveway to garage. About 6 feet. Going .0002 miles per hour. But you loved every minute of it. You love being outdoors on a bike, chasing the chickens and cleaning. Really, you do love to clean. You are quickly turning into a brother see, brother do and it's never quiet when that happens. You still sleep with a pillow over your body and must have a book, 2 cups of milk, your Mickey,  and a motorcycle when you sleep. And Heaven help me if I try to read your night time story in a different spot. You quickly point to the correct spot and say, "Mommy, here". You love to ride in Daddy's car and get so excited when he picks you up from daycare.  You also love any push toy. Especially the pink stroller I got from a yard sale 3 years ago. You push just about anything in that. Even a miniature lego man. 

You have the most infectious smile. You give the cheesiest grins and a person would have to have a stone cold heart not to melt with the joy you give forth. You get super jealous if someone is entertaining me or PaPa and try to weasel your way in. You definitely have stranger danger now and will stand close beside me or grab my hand if someone you don't recognize begins talking to you. You HATE riding in carts and taking you to the grocery store now is probably my worst nightmare. Especially when you and Jake double team and start running around. You have a pretty healthy appetite and will eat most things. And get it all over your face and table. 

I still know that you are going to grow and accomplish something big. You just have a way about you and a voice that can be heard for miles. I look forward to watching you grow this year and start to become a little boy. I love you, Andrew Thomas, my biggest surprise and blessing.

                                          

                                                    

                                                    

                                         

                                                   

                                                   

                                                    

                                                   

Truth from a child

My blog has definitely not been an indication of how life has been over here; it's been quiet and life has been anything but. If its any indication, Andrew turned 2 in June and I still haven't posted a 2 blog!   

But this morning Jake shares with me  his child like wisdom on such a truth that I had to take a moment from work to share. To those that know, you know 2 years later we're still working on things concerning Daniel. It's been hard trying to decide the best course of action but this weekend I think God has been leading me in the right direction. I think it was further confirmed through Jake. 

Most days we constantly spell and learn new words and memorize. {Seriously, this kid LOVES to learn} We were working on the word "aroma" and he asked if he could say his memory verse from VBS. Like he would need consent from me :)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

And Jake went on to say "And God asked me 'Why are you scared'" in reference to something that had placed fear in Jake. And Jake just said it so simply like it was that easy to be unafraid when you place trust in God.  

Isn't that what I've been trying to teach him? Give your cares and fears to the Lord for He cares for you? He holds us up and makes us victorious if we turn to Him? That what makes us fear will tremble in subservience to Him if we just let go of what gives us fear?

I think of a Bible story too concerning a man that believed so much in Jesus that he risked defamation to his name to wrap Jesus after his death. He had the courage to stand for what he believed to be true and went in with a can do attitude.  

And my mother in law had so much conviction over our situation that it makes sense to continue fighting for the truth. 

With all that and being in constant prayer, I think Ryan and I are making the best decision. My fear will not have hold over me. I will continue to stand in Daniel's honor. It's going to be another long period but if I can't stand for the truth, what am I really standing for?

2 years

2 years. It's not a time of celebration. It definitely doesn't conjure up good memories. But it's a date that cannot go without recognition. Some days I still have to wrap my head around the idea that this is truly a part of my life. Some days I am absolutely jealous of others who carry all of their children in their heart and arms; especially those with 3. Some days I look at my family and physically feel the empty spot where he should be. And then some days I have joy. I have happiness. I have a thankfulness so great for the presence of God's grace in my life. Some days I sit with my phone typing words like this out because I will continue to use my testimony to God's greatness and power to overcome tragedy. 

In all of those days I make a specific point to reflect on where I am and what's been overcome. I make a conscious decision everyday to battle my grief and reign. I may not always win the day, but I know I've already won the war. My sweet boy is waiting for me and I will always seek joy in that. 

So, for this 2 year mark, I will take Jake to VBS. I will spend time with Ryan at Daniel's spot.  I will be reminded of the mark Daniel has on so many people and I will close that around my heart. I will spend time with family and I will eat an Oreo just for him. And I will continue to honor a God that has always been at my side.

Psalm 84:11-12 For the Lord God is our sun and our shield.He gives us grace and glory.The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,what joy for those who trust in you.