Andrew is 2 (and 2 months)

Andrew. 

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.

You by far are the most unique of the boys. You definitely beat to your own drum. You have a strong opinion, a strong disposition, and a strong body. Seriously, you verbalize what you want (or show it), you will stand firm on what you want and do not waiver until you have it, and you can literally push Jake's dead weight up a small hill on a bike. 

Since turning 2, your vocabulary has gotten more expansive. You are making 3 word sentences and we are having to guess less on what you want. You can count to 3, say A B and C and try to "read" books.  You love motorcycles ("cocor cycles")  and trains and PaPa. You associate motorcycles with PaPa and have even gotten the privilege to ride with him. From the driveway to garage. About 6 feet. Going .0002 miles per hour. But you loved every minute of it. You love being outdoors on a bike, chasing the chickens and cleaning. Really, you do love to clean. You are quickly turning into a brother see, brother do and it's never quiet when that happens. You still sleep with a pillow over your body and must have a book, 2 cups of milk, your Mickey,  and a motorcycle when you sleep. And Heaven help me if I try to read your night time story in a different spot. You quickly point to the correct spot and say, "Mommy, here". You love to ride in Daddy's car and get so excited when he picks you up from daycare.  You also love any push toy. Especially the pink stroller I got from a yard sale 3 years ago. You push just about anything in that. Even a miniature lego man. 

You have the most infectious smile. You give the cheesiest grins and a person would have to have a stone cold heart not to melt with the joy you give forth. You get super jealous if someone is entertaining me or PaPa and try to weasel your way in. You definitely have stranger danger now and will stand close beside me or grab my hand if someone you don't recognize begins talking to you. You HATE riding in carts and taking you to the grocery store now is probably my worst nightmare. Especially when you and Jake double team and start running around. You have a pretty healthy appetite and will eat most things. And get it all over your face and table. 

I still know that you are going to grow and accomplish something big. You just have a way about you and a voice that can be heard for miles. I look forward to watching you grow this year and start to become a little boy. I love you, Andrew Thomas, my biggest surprise and blessing.

                                          

                                                    

                                                    

                                         

                                                   

                                                   

                                                    

                                                   

Truth from a child

My blog has definitely not been an indication of how life has been over here; it's been quiet and life has been anything but. If its any indication, Andrew turned 2 in June and I still haven't posted a 2 blog!   

But this morning Jake shares with me  his child like wisdom on such a truth that I had to take a moment from work to share. To those that know, you know 2 years later we're still working on things concerning Daniel. It's been hard trying to decide the best course of action but this weekend I think God has been leading me in the right direction. I think it was further confirmed through Jake. 

Most days we constantly spell and learn new words and memorize. {Seriously, this kid LOVES to learn} We were working on the word "aroma" and he asked if he could say his memory verse from VBS. Like he would need consent from me :)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

And Jake went on to say "And God asked me 'Why are you scared'" in reference to something that had placed fear in Jake. And Jake just said it so simply like it was that easy to be unafraid when you place trust in God.  

Isn't that what I've been trying to teach him? Give your cares and fears to the Lord for He cares for you? He holds us up and makes us victorious if we turn to Him? That what makes us fear will tremble in subservience to Him if we just let go of what gives us fear?

I think of a Bible story too concerning a man that believed so much in Jesus that he risked defamation to his name to wrap Jesus after his death. He had the courage to stand for what he believed to be true and went in with a can do attitude.  

And my mother in law had so much conviction over our situation that it makes sense to continue fighting for the truth. 

With all that and being in constant prayer, I think Ryan and I are making the best decision. My fear will not have hold over me. I will continue to stand in Daniel's honor. It's going to be another long period but if I can't stand for the truth, what am I really standing for?

2 years

2 years. It's not a time of celebration. It definitely doesn't conjure up good memories. But it's a date that cannot go without recognition. Some days I still have to wrap my head around the idea that this is truly a part of my life. Some days I am absolutely jealous of others who carry all of their children in their heart and arms; especially those with 3. Some days I look at my family and physically feel the empty spot where he should be. And then some days I have joy. I have happiness. I have a thankfulness so great for the presence of God's grace in my life. Some days I sit with my phone typing words like this out because I will continue to use my testimony to God's greatness and power to overcome tragedy. 

In all of those days I make a specific point to reflect on where I am and what's been overcome. I make a conscious decision everyday to battle my grief and reign. I may not always win the day, but I know I've already won the war. My sweet boy is waiting for me and I will always seek joy in that. 

So, for this 2 year mark, I will take Jake to VBS. I will spend time with Ryan at Daniel's spot.  I will be reminded of the mark Daniel has on so many people and I will close that around my heart. I will spend time with family and I will eat an Oreo just for him. And I will continue to honor a God that has always been at my side.

Psalm 84:11-12 For the Lord God is our sun and our shield.He gives us grace and glory.The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,what joy for those who trust in you. 

Victory

This smile is genuine. I woke this morning with the 19th looming so very close and I decided to choose happiness and thankfulness. I have a feeling like my heart could burst with the grace my God has given me always- and especially these past 2 years.

 I am taken care of.

I will always, always, always miss my Daniel. Always. But I will fight and claim victory over my grief. My God has always guided me through and I know He will continue to guide me. He is my sun and my shield. 

Photos from the phone

Photos from the phone

Job

It's been almost 2 years and I still find myself hurting, grieving and learning from my loss. Possibly most importantly, is the strength building in my soul. Like a muscle being tested and stretched, so is my heart and spiritual being, being worked on, molded, made stronger. 

With the hallmark of grief there are definitely days, sometimes a week, where  the weight of what happened sits more heavily on me. 

It's in the recalling from Jake over the events; a conversation I am only to bear witness to as he has never, to my knowledge, mentioned his memories to anyone else. I've long given up the feeling of absolute sadness when this happens; I know I'm probably best capable of listening and letting him talk it out. But it does often feel like a burden I cannot carry all my own and I find myself silently praying God gives me the right way to answer Jake. So far, it's been ok. I just try to answer in a way that a 4 year old can grasp and pray these conversations help later when bigger questions are being asked. 

It's dates that are nearing that tug on my emotions. It's the ages of Jake and Andrew this year that resemble 2 years ago. The upcoming 4th of July. Where 2 years ago we celebrated with fireworks and Daniel picking out the best one of the night.

So, in all of what's been happening it does not go unnoticed when I dream of consoling a women in grief and all of a sudden Jesus and Daniel appear in the brightest light I've ever seen sitting atop the clouds and Daniel walking down stairs away from Jesus with another dark haired girl. I woke myself up saying Jesus and Daniel and still squinting from the light. Nor, does it not escape my attention when I finally get to a Sunday at church and the topic is Job and my daily reading plan starts Job today. There must be something in all of this that I've yet to grasp. Something that gives more hope in a wounding loss. Pleas pray that what needs to be revealed I understand. Please pray that in the upcoming month I have a strength not of this world to get through some important events. And always know that in the end I will always come out of all of this victorious because I have God guiding my way.