Things my children say-Memorial day weekend edition

When asked where each family member is Andrew will say the name and point them out. When asked where Andrew is, Andrew points at himself and says, "me"

Andrew kept asking for Pawpaw this weekend. When I told him pawpaw wasn't here, he said "Aw, man"

Jake was talking to Ryan on the phone and he asked if all the bad guys were taken care of. Ryan said yes and Jake told Ryan he needed to come home now. When Ryan said he couldn't just yet as there may be more bad guys to take care of, Jake proceeded to tell Ryan to put them in a room, close the door and lock it and then he could come home. {Isn't that jail? ;)}

We were blowing bubbles this morning outside and Jake told us that he was blowing bubbles to go to Daniel's spot and that Daniel's spot was everywhere

I was talking to Jake about how he could be whatever he wanted when he grew up and he said when he grows up, when he's 8, he's going to be a race car driver

Photos from the phone

J

It's odd, this wax and wan of grief. On the days were I feel as if I'm supposed to miss you more, I can recall such great joy with you. On the everydays, my eyes are so full of tears because I miss you so much. #untilthenmysweetboy

***I do have to add that even in the hard moments, The Lord always extends a way to soften hard edges. Thank you to a best friend who brings beautiful flowers to a little boys spot and is comfortable sitting next to me sitting in the grass of a cemetery and letting me ramble. Thank you to a best friend who can move easily in to and out of my emotional swings. It was wonderful sharing lunch with you. 

And thanks to a husband who shares a love of sleep and is ok cutting our out-without-kids-time so we could relax at home. . And thanks to a Pastor that had a more than perfect sermon to put life in perspective and a worship leader that had all the right songs. It's in the everydays that tears fall and tears dry but my Lord is present in both.***

One thousand gifts

I started reading this book after a recommendation from my sister in law and in the spare moments I do have to glean wisdom from its pages has been so enlightening. It's really so far been about one deeply rooted word.

 Eucharisteo.

I know I've written of the subject before and I know my Pastor has preached on it specifically before, but to read the deconstructed meaning and have a word for a feeling is so solid.

 Thanksgiving. Grace. Joy. 

Thanksgiving. To be with thanks in every situation-good and bad. Obviously, it isn't going to be a poof moment and every situation in life is call for a shout out of thanks to The Lord; but to even be at a point to recognize struggles and hardships don't necessarily have to burden a heart is thanks to Him for sharing in our burdens and sharing His words for our wisdom. Almost 2 years into Daniel's death and I am still learning what it means to be thankful for his life, his legacy and His works through Daniel. I'm by no means perfect in my submission to Gods path for my life, but the respect I feel with the lessons I get to learn still; well, I am just so thankful for them.

Grace. Goes into my imperfections, for sure. I mess up. I am stubborn. I want what I want when I want it. It does make for a tug of war with my world versus spiritual being. I've definitely been hit over the head multiple times for the same instance before clarity has settled in. I've noticed, however, once I've moved out of the way or once I've accepted Gods plan, the results are always, always a beautiful end. And I know my heart molds just a little bit more into a heart glorying Him. 

Joy. I know I've very specifically had a moment of recognition for joy. I've felt more joy in my everydays the past month then I have in awhile. From the experiences of making a new home,to reestablishing family, to making a new bed time routine, to cutting grass with a riding lawn mower, to, most importantly, watching my husband breathe better and physically watching stresses unburden from his shoulders. I have joy in speaking of Daniel with Ryan, of watching Jake and Andrew laugh with such child like abandon while riding with grandpa on the ATV or walking the property hand in hand to explore or sitting by the fire where the warmth from the fire matches the warmth  filling my spirit. It's a beautiful gift, this life. I can only pray I continue to learn to shape myself to really be ready to meet up with God in the glories of Heaven.  

In the business of making memories

I had this awesome blog written and it's totally gone. Gone. Oh, well. Here's a little of what we've been up to recently. You know, just making memories :)

Playlists

At work today the radio stations weren't coming in with the greatest reception-outside of 102.5 and honestly, if I had to listen to that station again, I may have just cried; it's that annoying-so we opted to listen to the music on my iPhone. As I was dipping all my urine specimens (be jealous, people ;) and walking back and forth past the music, I mused to myself how intimate it was to share my personal playlist of music. To me, music can express everything you've ever not been able to express, every emotion you may have felt and can become a soundtrack to moments you have had.

As I listened to each song that played, I was able to reflect on what my music choices said about me:

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For starters, I am cheap :) I could totally have more music on there but I hate spending the money

I am a follower of God. I worship Him with song

I have Mercy Me 'I can only imagine' as a memorial song to Daniel. (Plus, I just really like it)

I like free stuff. I have a few singles of the week and I must say, they're good and, even better, free

I'm a pop girl. JT, Carly Rae and Taylor Swift occupy spots

I kinda love Adam Levine

I can appreciate bluesy and soulful songwriting.

Les Mis is one of my favorite musicals as I have a few of the show's tunes

***

My mix is so very eclectic. I like to think it can hit a part of all the bits of my personality which can show just how easily I can relate to many types of people which in turn, helps so much in my profession. Really, listening to my music was almost reminiscent of an out of body experience of myself. If that even makes sense. I never thought to listen to music of my choosing to reevaluate me. Intwined with each word, each tune strummed, was a story of me; my heart aches, my joys, my desires, my fantasies. Music is such an art. Such a beautiful masterpiece of notes and words and melody. It takes you on such a ride of emotion. 

I am simply in awe tonight. 

Daniel.

I'm a fairly practical person. Yes, my emotions can run most of my life (I like to think that is what makes me uniquely me) but I am can see the practicality is most things. For instance, the matter of the weather becoming warmer and the need for the boys to change from winter to summer wear. I was aware long ago that eventually Jake would reach a time when 4t summer clothes would have to make an appearance. And it's ok. Yes, the articles of clothing removed from storage were the same shirts and shorts Daniel was wearing months before he died, but Jake needs summer wear and we have it. However, I think it's fair to myself to overrule wearing one shirt in particular. That's my prerogative. 

I was about 7 months pregnant with Andrew when Ryan selflessly stayed awake after working all night so that we may have a family day on Sunday. I remember feeling slightly ashamed that I was skipping out on church but knew that our days as a family of 4 were getting more slim with each passing day, and a rare chance to enjoy such beautiful weather with all of us couldn't be ignored. We walked all around old St Charles, walked to the river and back and enjoyed climbing on rocks. We also got a nice ride on a golf cart back to our car at the end of our day (I like to think it was my huge belly that won us that ride) It was also that day that Ryan took one of my favorite pictures of Daniel and the very picture we used at his funeral. Logic cant be argued when the very shirt in the picture I stared at for days upon days upon days is in my hands once more. I love all of my men, but that is one shirt that cannot cover another's back. I think it would hurt my heart too much. As of now, it's hard to comprehend how that shirt contoured around his little body. 

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And since I'm on the subject of Daniel, I want to share a moment I had. It was one of the days I was driving to the new house shortly after we moved. I was alone in the car and alone with my thoughts when I got this overpowering scent of roses. For a long time I wore a necklace made of dried roses from Daniel's funeral and whenever I smelled the fragrance wafting up from my necklace line, I thought of him. I stopped wearing it a few months ago when I had a scare that it fell off and I lost it. It was found quickly, thank you, God. I smelled my air freshener, I looked into the compartment where my necklace does lay still but neither were emitting the aroma. I can with 100% certainly {faith} that that smell was for me as a reminder that Daniel is near me always. I had been having the biggest fear our new home would still feel empty, but my roses were a sign, a showing from God, that as long as my memory and my heart are filled with love for Daniel, my home will never be without him. In the days since I sometimes sniff my car strongly to see if the smell will present itself again, but it doesn't happen. What I got to experience was such a special gift from a Father that can hear my cry no matter how quietly I may present it. 

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And before I almost started crying tonight, my Jake, in ways only a child can, lifted my spirits by exclaiming over the clothes that Daniel sometimes makes funny faces at him.  And our verse tonight was on Jesus being alive. He is alive. And my Daniel is alive in Heaven, in our memory, in our stories, our pictures, our hearts, our home.