I deactivated my Facebook account. It's been a long time coming, but I finally stopped making excuses for why I "needed" the account and removed it completely. I cannot say I miss it one iota. The past few days Jake has taken to calling us Mom and Dad occasionally. It sounds so foreign to my ears and so grown up coming out of his little voice. How is it that he's going to be 4 soon? He's introduced his "guy" recently. He only comes out in the morning and Jake helps him get dressed. Today, his guy was going to stay in bed today because he was sick. He had a rough week last week at daycare and this week he's been an all-star. He even asked his teacher to write a note that he's "been listening". He practically burst at the seams to show us his good boy note. It's currently hanging on the fridge. I've taken to earnestly praying before even leaving the parking lot of daycare that kindness and gentleness grow in his heart-and patience to the teacher. Prayer helps. Andrew is quickly losing his little boy looks and settling into the toddler stage.  The height on that child shocks me-and I'm used to tall children. The joy that boy brings me is too special for words. He says his own prayers now, too. My most favorite times with him are after bath and before bed. We get the chance to hug and unwind. And I get a nice pat on the back. Daniel has been on my mind so much. I know it's a lot to do with moving. I came across pictures I hadn't seen recently. That ache will never go away. I read some sad news on a blog I've read for over 5 years. My heart aches for her family. The words I want to speak to her simply cant form on my tongue so I've been praying and lifting them all up to our God. There are going to be so many joyful events happening soon and it makes me so happy to feel the fog that had enveloped me so much last year is lifting so that I can truly enjoy some special moments. I think I am always so ridiculously bad at closing a post, and this one is going to be no exception. It is what it is, I guess. My eyes are starting to burn from tears and mascara. It happens when thinking of Daniel. The tears, not the burning (but it does accompany the tears when I do actually get the chance to put make up on, like today) That probably won't ever go away, either. As promised, since I deactivated my Facebook, here are some recent pictures of the men. The second one is my new fav :)

I had to lay down with Andrew this afternoon so that he could settle himself down to nap. Not unlike another brother of his that needed the same. Laying with Andrew and watching his eyelashes flutter to his cheeks and watching his mouth sigh with the release he was finally giving in to, my mind wandered to another time when I would lay with Daniel and help him fall asleep. I remember even taking a flashlight in once to read a book while he settled down. I can still feel the slipperiness of his water proof mattress under his Toy Story sheets and smell the scent of a little boy

We're moving soon. Very soon. To another home, in another county entirely. Most often when I think of moving, I'm excited at the prospect of building, planning, shaping a new future with my men. I am gearing up for more change. This time it is more about healing then the feeling of being torn apart from the inside. Our little family has made it almost 2 years in the limbo of working past the old to rebuild the new. God has led us through the valley, He has prepared a home for us and throughout, the chance to mourn, learn, practice patience and appreciate family.
Please pray for a smooth transition as our family, once again, reinvents a newer normal. I can't wait to share what God has prepared for us.

Photos from the phone

I've been absent from here recently. Life has been churning along and new developments rising. Babies have been growing. At some point ill pull it from my mind to here, but until, here are some photos from my phone

I've held 41 week babies. I've held 38 week babies. 27 week babies. 23 weeks. 13 weeks. Today, I held a 5 week gestation baby.  

It left me feeling so insignificantly small. Notwithstanding the way it got into my hands, it was the most beautiful, most mesmerizing, most miraculous image.  The complexity, the strands of DNA that strummed together to form this perfect little person, enveloped in it's protective barrier, how can anyone look at this and doubt God? Doubt life? I only wish people could experience the gifts of life I have witnessed and been a part of.With my own eyes, I saw the spot of red where it's little heart had drummed. 

Red.

The color that symbolizes life and love. 

It put me in a whole different place today. So, when Jacob started talking about Daniel being able to go to school with him "since Daniel didn't have one and Daniel was his friend and we shouldn't play with guns, unless it's toy guns, and it hurt his ears when he and Daniel were playing in Mommy and Daddy's room and he was sitting next to Daddy but was sad because Mommy wasn't at the house and he really wanted to see me but had to sit next to the policemen" I could handle his truthfulness. My heart was tuned to the grace of God. My heart was tuned to the love of life and the care and home He has given us to those that believe in Him. And I was ok talking with Jake. It hurt, but the reminder that life is strong and delicate and so much more then what we make of it here on Earth, kept me grounded. To be able to speak so matter of factly and know that Heaven is a real place to go after death; I was envious of Jacob's perspective. And thankful that I can have the ability to share that death doesn't have to be this horrible end, but a beautiful beginning to something I can only dream of now. 

I pray that I can continue to honor the faint line between life and death and that my children have a deep respect for the sanctity of life; whether it be in the image of their brother or in the sac of a 5 week baby. 

This past week

Things I have learned this past week:

 

If one person in our house of gets sick, no amount of cleaning, disinfecting and Clorox wipes are going to prevent the others from getting sick as well.

 

If it wasn't for my online Bible study, I probably would not have opened my Bible this week. It's been that kind of week. Praising God again for this group of ladies.

 

Ryan is so generous. And knows me fairly well :)

 

Jake and insomnia can be pretty funny.

 

I now know my breaking point at work. It involves the giggling and immature actions over a potentially unfunny situation. I am still working on forgiveness.

 

Deleting the Facebook app on my phone literally felt like a release of stress. Weird.

 

Again I am stunned to see the resemblance of Daniel and Andrew. And the subtle ways Daniel pops up in Jake, as well.

 

Febrile seizures occuring after the age of 3 can still happen, but are rare. Jake has now had 2.

 

Seeing your husband sit in the the ER with you and hearing him exclaim something normal would be so nice once in awhile would make you just want to cry.

 

Going back to the ER for a child with incredible stomach pain and no urination for over 24 hours did make me cry.

 

Seeing the xray of an incredible amount of gas and no obstruction made me smile, get angry at the ER fee-2 in 24 hours!-and pray I don't see the inside of the ER the rest of the year.

 

Jacob has grown up so much. They way he talks, the way he acts when we're out and about. All of a sudden, he's become this little boy and shed his toddler appearance.

 

A glass of chocolate milk is delicious when a day has been stressful

As difficult as it is starting to feel not having our own space still, I know deep in my heart that God is planning it all perfectly for the home we've been patiently waiting for

 

 

 

I keep a picture of you as my screen lock on my phone. I guess it's my way of acknowledging you on a real level. Today at work I had the idea to rotate your picture out. I scrolled the the very top of my photos because that's where all of yours reside and I came across one of you holding Andrew. Seeing you hold your brother, your little hands protectively covering him and your head turned into his was almost too much. Sitting there, remembering those moments. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that they were cut so short. I still don't go to that place often. That place of "what would you be doing" "what would you look like" "what would you love or hate".  I'm afraid of what I may feel even giving in to those questions just a little bit. It doesn't go unnoticed on the surface. I think of you daily. Every single day you enter my mind. It's been 18 months. Almost to the point of half the life I had with you. It angers me that I don't get new stories to remember or new pictures to place on my screen lock. I feel so cheated sometimes. 

It rained and thundered today. Jake was scared. I told him you loved the rain and thunder and to know that whenever he hears it, you're right next to him. He fell asleep within minutes. I wondered when you would come protect me from my fears. 

I can say I miss you a million times. I could scream it from a mountain and here the words reverberate back to me. It still couldn't convey the depth of pain I feel missing you in our day to day life. How can I really explain what it feels like to have a part of my heart break everyday? How can I really describe the turmoil and tug of war with wanting to wish you back but never wanting you to leave the glories of Heaven?  Sometimes, it just plain sucks and there isn't much I can do but pray this release gets me through to the next.
I just really, really, miss you right now, bud. 

Duh.

"...I believed in God, so I spoke..."

2 Cor 4:13

Weeks ago in Sunday school my class touched on the subject of the truth of the Bible. More specifically, where we fit in the story of God. I struggled with this lesson. I was from the understanding that the Scriptures are my life lessons, that His words were supposed to be a foundation on how to model my life. So, I really got tripped up when we read that the Bible in not fundamentally about me but more of a revelation about God and His plan for the universe. How my life really isn't my life but a life about God; and I'm just a vessel to be used to glorify Him. So, I asked questions in class, got some really great answers from some of the pros (Kevin and Alice :) and thought, ok, makes sense. I'm a vessel, if I'm obedient I will gain knowledge in direct proportion to studying Him and His word and that will illuminate through me and in that way, my actions/words/thoughts/movements show Him. Simple.

Not.

I didn't really know just how much I didn't get it until I started up with this online Bible study on Luke. We're into the 2nd chapter and I am learning so much more about obedience. Yeah, we're reading the "Christmas story" currently but take away the tinsle and lights and showiness of Christmas and what it left is a hard-to-stomach-because-I-don't-think-I-possess-an-iota-of-the-faith-they-had-yet, incredibly selfless, vessel of a story concerning the obedience of Zechariah, Mary, Joseph and Jesus himself.

But, this post isn't even about Luke-all the way. The study of Luke opened my heart and mind to His word and tore down some veils of conceit and got me to this:

...I believed in God, so I spoke...

All of a sudden, everything from Sunday school and Luke and life started forming together in my lap via 2 Corinthians and the light (lightbulb) finally showed through.

I have a treasure stored within me. I gained that treasure when I gave my life to Christ. When I gave him my old, conceitful, my-way-has-to-be-the-only-way, life, I gained His life. And by gaining His life, my life suddenly became about His story because I want so very much to be a part of His universe.  These words, my ability to carry on through some pretty tough stuff, my actions-while definitely still a work in progress-show His love because I gave up the love of me.   All of a sudden, I am reading His story as just that-His story. The words written by humans filled with the Spirit concerning the works God did-and is doing-to make His story fully complete. And I want to be obedient. I want to shout that I am being used for His glory and my heart of black is changing to a heart of gold because He is flowing within me. When I finally meet Him face to face, I want my heart to be as perfect as it can be (cuz it's not totally perfect till I die anyway, still human down here) because I want my heart to be a heart that served Him in the role He chose for me.

So, thank you Lord for not giving up on me. For seeing that I would eventually get it and for guiding me to Your word. Thank you for the lives you placed around me-and above me-to help carry on Your plan. Thank you for the gentle reminders life is precious, but strong, if filled with You. Lord, I ask of your forgiveness when I stumble and pray You lead me back to Your plan always. Forever in your name.