Last night while I watching T.V. with Ryan in bed I realized for the first time in 72 days, I hadn't cried. It was so odd. Of course Daniel was never far from my mind; in fact we were all watching X Factor last night and it made me wonder if Daniel would have been a singer..or just what he would have been into in general. But I didn't cry. I really don't know what to make of this. Should I be happy? Does this mean I'm moving on to some semblance of a "normal" life and I can concentrate on other things instead of focusing solely on Daniel's absence? I'm almost afraid to move on because I fear I'll be moving away from him. But isn't this what I've prayed about? To be able to think of Daniel and not cry? To focus on my remaining children and my husband and be there mentally and not just physically? I think what I'm really feeling is that if I'm not sad over Daniel's death then I'm not preserving his memory or showing that I miss him. Consciously I know that he would never want to see my sad, he never liked to see me sad, and I am preserving his memory in everything that I do, but it all goes back to my main point, I fear I'm moving away from him.
You know, sometimes I have this morbid thought whenever I visit his spot that I just want to dig and dig and pull him out and hug him. I miss that so much. And how he always noticed when I cleaned the house. He was my sensitive baby.
I don't know. Each day brings more to think about and digest and this is a big one for me. It feels like I've got to figure myself out all over again.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
7-7
I can't shake the feeling that I've been a little disconnected from life lately. I have a suspicion it's because of working nights. It just feels like large chunks of time have disappeared. I feel a little in limbo-and it's really hard to explain; on here and to myself. But it's like I am living my life in snapshots. Some parts are really in focus but a lot is blurred by my fatigue. I've got to figure out how to change this because it's really making me uneasy. And I cannot change my status or stop working nights because as much as it messes with me, it's really the best option right now for the family. I've been playing around with working all in a row or breaking up my days, so we'll see what really is best.
I haven't been as sad as previously but I really think it's because I haven't had to chance to really even think. It feels like all I have been doing is working and sleeping and work has been so busy that my focus is on my patients even in the down time-when there is down time. I'm not sure yet if that is a good or bad thing. I think I'm leaning more towards bad because when I do think about Daniel it hits me harder. And then I'm struggling.
On the flip side, I do tend to stay awake longer in the evenings because I am so used to being up all night that R and I are spending more time together. There is still an huge elephant in the room we dance around but I have to look at it this way; we're reconnecting as a man and wife and refocusing as a mom and dad. I pray daily that eventually, in the best time, we can hit on some issues as we both have different attitudes towards Daniel's accident. Who knew at 26 we would both be hit this hard with such heavy stuff and mining all this? Well, ok, God did and He paired us together because He knew we could handle it, but a manual would have been nice :)
Of course, the more I think about it, He really and truly did give us a manual on life, the Bible, we just have to know how to use it. It is so much more than just reading it to get assurance and answers. Something I learned in Sunday school is that every character in the Bible can be relatable during a period in your life. For me, at this moment in time, I'm Job. Unsure why all this junk is being hit down on me, questioning why but knowing He is with me even if I cannot see Him. Maybe a little of Abraham thrown in there; wandering around but trusting God is working my path out for me.
And I am really hoping all this stuff can be worked out a little for me because I start my next 3 in a row tonight and really have got to get a nap in and cannot have my brain working in overdrive during that. I would really be of no use tonight then.
I haven't been as sad as previously but I really think it's because I haven't had to chance to really even think. It feels like all I have been doing is working and sleeping and work has been so busy that my focus is on my patients even in the down time-when there is down time. I'm not sure yet if that is a good or bad thing. I think I'm leaning more towards bad because when I do think about Daniel it hits me harder. And then I'm struggling.
On the flip side, I do tend to stay awake longer in the evenings because I am so used to being up all night that R and I are spending more time together. There is still an huge elephant in the room we dance around but I have to look at it this way; we're reconnecting as a man and wife and refocusing as a mom and dad. I pray daily that eventually, in the best time, we can hit on some issues as we both have different attitudes towards Daniel's accident. Who knew at 26 we would both be hit this hard with such heavy stuff and mining all this? Well, ok, God did and He paired us together because He knew we could handle it, but a manual would have been nice :)
Of course, the more I think about it, He really and truly did give us a manual on life, the Bible, we just have to know how to use it. It is so much more than just reading it to get assurance and answers. Something I learned in Sunday school is that every character in the Bible can be relatable during a period in your life. For me, at this moment in time, I'm Job. Unsure why all this junk is being hit down on me, questioning why but knowing He is with me even if I cannot see Him. Maybe a little of Abraham thrown in there; wandering around but trusting God is working my path out for me.
And I am really hoping all this stuff can be worked out a little for me because I start my next 3 in a row tonight and really have got to get a nap in and cannot have my brain working in overdrive during that. I would really be of no use tonight then.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Dear Daniel:
The life you lived here on Earth has touched so many people. Every day, a memory of you crops up in many minds and so many are sharing in your life. Just this weekend a wonderful little girl and her friends worked a lemonade stand in your honor to raise money for the park pets that are going to be placed in your favorite park. We are still getting books in your memory and not only did the books donated fill the library, but they are being shared in the classrooms as well! How fun is that?
Things have been ok here at home. We miss you a lot and it just seems quieter in the house. Jake has taken over in helping put Andrew to sleep and making sure he "halks to Jesus" at night. He turns out the light and closes the door too. And he can't go to sleep until we've talked about you and read a book. The Megamind DVD is getting a lot of play; your brother is currently obsessed with the movie. He heard one of the songs played in the movie at WalMart last night and wondered why he couldn't see the movie. I do see now that you were the main plotter in getting into the pantry and pouring or dumping food all over the carpets, and getting to the cars outside, and eating all the cookies and climbing onto the dinner table. Just like a big brother, you tried to frame your younger one for all the schemes you planned.
Your Daddy and I think about you a lot. You can still make us laugh. Thank you for that. I do really miss your hair and baby toes a lot. Remember when I would get your pigs and then Daddy would try and make me touch his nasty man feet? Your toes were much cuter. And smelled better too :) I went to your spot after I got off work Sunday morning. Man, there are a lot of birds there in the morning! I think some deer visited you too. Looks like you're still the closest to being by a deer because Grandpa still hasn't gotten one. I could still hear police cars in the distance too. Remember when you sat in the back of Daddy's car? You liked that a little too much, child!
It's hard to end this letter because I want to tell you so much more, but Jake is demanding attention and you know how he gets if he doesn't get his way :) I miss you every second and love you so much, sweet boy.
Big kisses and hugs,
Mommy
The life you lived here on Earth has touched so many people. Every day, a memory of you crops up in many minds and so many are sharing in your life. Just this weekend a wonderful little girl and her friends worked a lemonade stand in your honor to raise money for the park pets that are going to be placed in your favorite park. We are still getting books in your memory and not only did the books donated fill the library, but they are being shared in the classrooms as well! How fun is that?
Things have been ok here at home. We miss you a lot and it just seems quieter in the house. Jake has taken over in helping put Andrew to sleep and making sure he "halks to Jesus" at night. He turns out the light and closes the door too. And he can't go to sleep until we've talked about you and read a book. The Megamind DVD is getting a lot of play; your brother is currently obsessed with the movie. He heard one of the songs played in the movie at WalMart last night and wondered why he couldn't see the movie. I do see now that you were the main plotter in getting into the pantry and pouring or dumping food all over the carpets, and getting to the cars outside, and eating all the cookies and climbing onto the dinner table. Just like a big brother, you tried to frame your younger one for all the schemes you planned.
Your Daddy and I think about you a lot. You can still make us laugh. Thank you for that. I do really miss your hair and baby toes a lot. Remember when I would get your pigs and then Daddy would try and make me touch his nasty man feet? Your toes were much cuter. And smelled better too :) I went to your spot after I got off work Sunday morning. Man, there are a lot of birds there in the morning! I think some deer visited you too. Looks like you're still the closest to being by a deer because Grandpa still hasn't gotten one. I could still hear police cars in the distance too. Remember when you sat in the back of Daddy's car? You liked that a little too much, child!
It's hard to end this letter because I want to tell you so much more, but Jake is demanding attention and you know how he gets if he doesn't get his way :) I miss you every second and love you so much, sweet boy.
Big kisses and hugs,
Mommy
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Happy thoughts
Things that make my heart happy right now:
Ryan restoring my planter Daniel made me for Mother's Day 2010.
FALL
Andrew's smile
Jake
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Never alone
I thought I had it together yesterday. We donated the books for B4D at Rose Acres and it was incredible to see the library, the preschoolers enjoying some of the books, the Parents As Teacher rep collecting her share, and all the pictures taken. In fact, I held myself together pretty well-until I heard Natalie Grants song "Held". Oh man, did I lose it in my car. (I was parked) Great, heaving, gut wrenching sobs. I haven't cried like that in awhile. I bowed my head on the steering wheel and just let myself miss Daniel so much. I didn't think, I just opened myself to my grief. It hurt so much. It was good and bad at the same time. Thankfully, my day didn't end on such a sobering note. R and I took the boys to the new Disney Store and it was so much fun watching Jake's reaction to seeing all the movies, Mickey and Cars. We laughed so much and just made great memories. After such an emotional afternoon the release of the evening meant everything to me.
But that really isn't the main point of all of this. It may seem that I have complete trust in God working in my heart and life but it's definitely a struggle putting Him before Daniel sometimes. I pray daily for distinction between my allegiance to Jesus and Daniel. I worry about wanting to see Daniel more than meeting my Creator sometimes and about making sure what I say and what I do is for Him and not Daniel.
As I was driving home this afternoon from taking the boys to the Magic House, I prayed for help. I prayed that God would help separate me as His child and me as Daniel's Mother. I prayed I would put Jesus first. Then this came on the radio. (If you haven't noticed yet, musical lyrics tend to work on me) "Heaven is this face" by Stephen Curtis Chapman. It was like God was telling me that it's ok to be confused. It's ok to miss Daniel. He gave Daniel to me, afterall. He wanted me to experience Daniel and love him and know him. He knows my tie to Daniel as a Mother because it was given by Him. He knows how much I love Daniel, but that I do love Him too. God knows I know Daniel is in the best possible place anyone could ever be and He knows I believe in Him with all my heart even if in my human mind and heart it feels like I am having to sift through it all. And through it all I know He's going to be there.
But that really isn't the main point of all of this. It may seem that I have complete trust in God working in my heart and life but it's definitely a struggle putting Him before Daniel sometimes. I pray daily for distinction between my allegiance to Jesus and Daniel. I worry about wanting to see Daniel more than meeting my Creator sometimes and about making sure what I say and what I do is for Him and not Daniel.
As I was driving home this afternoon from taking the boys to the Magic House, I prayed for help. I prayed that God would help separate me as His child and me as Daniel's Mother. I prayed I would put Jesus first. Then this came on the radio. (If you haven't noticed yet, musical lyrics tend to work on me) "Heaven is this face" by Stephen Curtis Chapman. It was like God was telling me that it's ok to be confused. It's ok to miss Daniel. He gave Daniel to me, afterall. He wanted me to experience Daniel and love him and know him. He knows my tie to Daniel as a Mother because it was given by Him. He knows how much I love Daniel, but that I do love Him too. God knows I know Daniel is in the best possible place anyone could ever be and He knows I believe in Him with all my heart even if in my human mind and heart it feels like I am having to sift through it all. And through it all I know He's going to be there.
For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love
For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow
Lamentations 3: 31-33
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
He rescues those who are crushed in spirit
Psalm 34: 18
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Word Vomit
I am here muddling around in this mess. I realized I hadn't given myself the opportunity to really REALLY think of this accident until today in Sunday school. I've been censoring myself from my thoughts. I tuck those memories in a box labeled 'for later' and stuff them into the darkest recesses of my mind. Sure, I've talked about what happened, but I've never listened to myself. This scripture was mentioned today and I felt like it was calling out to me. I may not be using it in the context that Paul originally intended it for, but it's exactly what I am feeling.
So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law. Galatians 5:1
I have been a slave to the accident. Worldly law condemns me from moving on. "What a horrible parent" the world says. "How could they keep a loaded gun in their house with children?" "Why wasn't she watching them?" The enemy pushes those worldly words down my throat until it's suffocating me. Trying to make me fall and studder in my steps when I am trying to forge ahead. Preventing me from seeing what Christ is using Daniel for. And I'm sick of it.
It happened. For reasons that have not been shown to me. And might never be fully explained to me here. It's the most horrible, brutal, tragic thing that could ever happen in my life. And I could focus solely on that. I could wallow in my pity and my despair. I could. But what would that do for me? What could that do for me? Absolutely nothing.
Instead, I am relying of Christ to guide me through the muddied waters of my life. And it's muddy, lemme tell you. In fact, I know I'm going to get stuck in thick, dirty goop sometimes. I may be so stuck that it's going to take every available hand to pull me out and pull me through. But you know what? I am ok with that. God has placed some AMAZING individuals in my life and I know I can reach and grab their hand and trust in them to help pull me out. That is His promise to me*.
I am praying for God's love and support to free me from wordly laws. I am praying that everyday I can remind myself that I am not alone and that God is working great things in my life and those that surround me through Daniel and his life-and death. And I pray I can always remember that even when the enemy and the world has a hold on me.
*Isaiah 43:2
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