2020

I woke up a week ago around 3am and couldn't go back to sleep until I wrote my thoughts down. My first thoughts were that this has been a very stupid year, but of course 2020 would still have July 19. I can't escape this date as much as I would like to. The Earth just continues to rotate bringing me back year after year. 9 years to be exact. I really did try to close my eyes after that and get some sleep, but the words kept forming in my head. I had previously thought to myself if this would be the year I stop writing (not that I have done a lot of this type of writing recently), but a verse I had recently read came to mind and I realized that writing about this allows the thoughts in my head to flow out and allow space for moving forward. In Mark 1:35 Jesus goes to a quiet place and prays. In the middle of the night last week that was my time God was letting in. While all of those I love were sleeping soundly I had a quiet moment to sit with my thoughts, ruminate on feelings I don't let come to the surface on a daily basis for fear they would take me under, and just be. 

I realized every year I subconsciously make the same cake that was sitting on the counter going stale while I made plans to say good-bye to my son; yellow cake with chocolate frosting.
I thought about Jacob and remembered I had pictured how he and Daniel would have been playing during our Stockton trip; how each kid could have been partnered up with someone of the same age.
I thought how just that night Andrew said and looked a certain way and I could have sworn that Daniel would have said that exact same thing, sounded, and looked the same way.
I thought about Emma's hair and how I lay and run my fingers through it and I think about Daniel's hair sometimes, his floppy mop of blonde, and I thought about her facial expressions and her eyes always reminding my of that boy.
I thought of my poor little toddler-sized memory and how if he were here he would most definitely be taller than me.
 I thought about how each year there is someone new in my life that this story affects and I watch how the gravity of what happens hits them. This year, it hit me again, too. I have lived with this event for 9 years and it's become a part of me, but I also forget just how tragic it really is.

 I could always think of the devastatingly awful event-and yes, some days I do go back and it cuts deep, but then I remind myself of who he is with and and how Daniel's life and death changed those around me, and I continue to push forward with the long ago promise to never let his life become less than what God intended it to be. 

This year, a very special person got his Daniel visit and comfort. Andrew decided he would pick out the flowers for Daniel's spot and had exactly what he wanted in his mind. I came across a video of the sweetest girl singing her song. I watched a show last night and one of the main characters called his son monkey man. All of these, and so many more winks throughout the year, are what help me know Daniel is close and God hears and loves.

12/22/2019

It didn't occur to me until this past Thursday that in a few short weeks we would be entering a new decade. My mind quickly spanned the past 10 years and the life I began with in 2010 looks so very different than the life I am leaving at the end of 2019. Of course, growth is to be expected with just the mere act of aging. But for me, it feels like two different sets of life played out in 10 years.

So many wonderful and beautiful things happened; and then one really, really hard thing happened. I could certainly lament on that one really hard thing and I was going to, but then I looked down at my sweet daughter falling asleep on my arm, curled up and resting in true peace and worn from a weekend that was filled with so much love and laughter and family; it doesn't seem fitting to focus on such sad thoughts when such a beautiful season of life is now. I'm not saying this life is without challenges because there are many challenges, but if I constantly continue to live in the past I miss so many joyful moments occurring because of that past.

In one short hour, December 22 will be upon me. Like all of the years before it, Daniel's birth day approaches with waves of emotion. Some years, those waves crash harder and longer and some years it's more of a nagging rocking. This year, though, his birthday is very much an example of living while still loving and missing him. Those two truly can coexist. By continuing to live, nurture, and grow, his memory laces through it, and creates more purpose to it all. Daniel's life is why I live.

 It is because of the Lord's loving kindness that I am not consumed by sadness, hurt, and grief because His compassion never fails. They are new every morning and great is His faithfulness...therefore I have hope in Him, and hope in life, and hope my whole heart will be completely restored one day.

Tomorrow I am going to choose to remember my firstborn by being with his family and with His promise tucked close. However the day plays out will be the one it was intended to be to while living and still loving and missing Daniel. And it will be ok because it's always going to be ok; I have faith and assurance in that.

Until then, sweet boy.

Seven.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Today ceremonially ticks off passage of time. Seven years. Seven. Enough time that the life we had then looks and feels dramatically different than the life we have now. However, your spirit is a constant that flows within each part of y...our family. You are thought of daily, mentioned with love daily-your brothers and sister even claim a spot at the table for you. It physically remains empty but that love for you more than fills the space up.
This year i finally printed off the first year photo book and this week we each have gotten to look and read how your imprint remained on each of Jacob, Andrew and Emma’s first welcomed years into life. This year I needed that reminder. Life moves quickly but it our choice on how to live and preserve that passage of time. I chose to believe in a God that makes no accident in showing His kindness in the every day for me. I don’t know what 7 years of life with you in it would look like, but I know the life we have now is filled with hope. At the end of the day we cling to what matter most. Today, tears will be shed. But like i recently told a very special person, those tears just mean we have so many beautiful memories to remember.

 

 

 

 

A new decade

I miss you. Words seem to fail me in this moment to even describe how I much I miss you. Words are my safe place and they cannot even adequately portray what is running in me. I am weary. It has been hard this month. Hard isn't even the best word choice. How can you describe the feeling of sorrow? It is gritty in my mouth. It has been weighing heavy on my body.  It has been twisting tighter in my heart. In the moments I am trying to create with your brothers and sister; the sorrow for me mixed in with their love for you splashes cold back in my face. It feels like an oxymoron. I am raising them to remember you and shrink the gap of not having you here and in the same instance it's a reminder of why I even need to do this.  

I have been watching the clock these past 24 hours; thinking back to 10 years ago and what I was doing. There was the last of Christmas shopping. Lunch with your Daddy and Grandpa. A trip to a hunting store. Not knowing of my contractions all day until my water broke after getting off the couch. The drive to have you. Waiting a whole night to see you. I woke up almost every hour and a half last night. Not even 2 Benadryl could keep me asleep. I am up right now because 10 years ago at 6:23 am I was up experiencing the arrival of you. The moment was SO great it was not even fathomable in my anxious mind of what your life would do for mine. Your life broke the mold of the old me. Your life reshaped how I saw myself. Your life reshapes how I see myself. Your life was chaotic and punctuated by so much change. Your life gave reason to the chaos. Your life held a sacred sacrament. Your life holds a sacred promise. Your life floods into the family here missing you. Your joy brings more to those who you are now with. 

There has been a song that has been playing around and around and around in my head this month. It's 'O come to the alter'.  In fact, baby boy, it's playing right next to me as I type this out. It may even be on repeat today because today, baby, on your 10th birthday, I need to be taken back to the most primordial reason for my faith. Love. My faith will never be shaken. It's as solid as my dedication to you. I just NEED Him more than ever today. I can't be strong today. Not by myself. A new decade to you has been ushered in. Today is going to hurt. I need you, sweet boy, to take God's hand and cover me. I need my sorrows to be taken and traded in for the implicit joy only He can give me. Because until we can be with one another once more, He is what will give me reason to continue seeking joy. As the grief, the pain, and the bitterness turmoil inside, I need Him to unravel the fear intertwined. That's what His love is about; taking the ugly and making it beautiful. Understanding our fear and doubt and making it pliable.

Daniel, I love you. My love for you transcends the human heart. But so much greater is the love He has for you. For me. For each person we encounter. I pray I will always feel that love and the reminder will always be present on the hard days, the harder days and the hardest days. And every single other moment in between. 

Until then my 10 year old little boy. 

6.

It's a sad feeling when the ache of missing you feels closer than the memories of you. I feel like I have stared at your face for a lifetime and have intimately known the curves of your features and the light of your eyes, but it now can seem so foreign. 

I watched videos of you last weekend and I somehow had forgotten how antsy/crazy/ACTIVE you were. And how Jacob-even as an infant-lit up and was so joyful around you. This "anniversary" I am finding myself more focused on Jacob and the relationship he had/has with you. This past year little comments have been dotted throughout. Jake wanting to build a time machine to save you. Jake commenting that he is the oldest now-here, not in Heaven. Jake recognizing his new role established 6 years ago. Jake missing you. Feeling the solidness in his shoulders and hands and how tall he has grown. Feeling this boy grow while you can't age. (Atleast in the normal sense of aging) Worrying on how he is growing and changing and where your memory to him fits in all of it. Praying he can always speak so freely about you-even when his memories soften around the edges. Hoping he cherishes life in a way he may not have before and will always think of you by his side. You are still the big brother no matter what. 

***

Rachel made some reflective comments to me when I was lamenting on each of the kids, and finally vocalizing the hard time I have with Andrew and understanding him.
Jake and I share a tragedy. Even before, Jacob has felt different in my mother heart. Now, having shared something so encompassing, we're bonded in an even deeper way. She mentioned Emma is my last and was given after such a hard event. Her very presence everyday is like a promise. Lately, I have wondered if bottled in Andrew is the same energy that Daniel possessed. Really, what else can explain the explosive nature of that kid? Those two, Daniel and Andrew, so bent on their own way, their own thoughts and time line. I wonder if I would be having the same impatience and puzzlement as I commonly feel with Andrew if the two were together? I wonder if Andrew is missing the person that resembles him best-and not really even knowing what he is missing- and how that will play in his shaping as he grows?

6 years later the raw of the hurt and the wounds of the grief has changed it's appearance. It doesn't feel as singular as it once did. It feels like it's grabbing for them now. I want to think I can rise to these new challenges but as each new encounter arrives, I feel an edge. A second guessing to what I have said or have not said. Am I doing it "right" in walking this uncharted path? Am I doing too much or too little? 

I am working this year. Jacob has his last baseball game on the 19th and Ryan works and I need to save PTO for the special trip Ryan and I are taking. It seems counterproductive to use PTO to take away from the living moments that are occurring presently. But, who knows? Here is another first and I just don't know what to expect. 

Pray for grace for me that day. And kind patients. And control when control needs to occur. And to embrace the life that were are currently experiencing. And a good game for Jake as I don't know if I could handle his upset that day. 

It's weird this year. I feel like I am on the verge of something. The feeling is almost like the tension felt in a ill fitting shirt; tight and awkward, but if removed, comfortable. I just don't quite know what the discomfort is. I just pray whatever it is, I continue to overcome. 

the tears, they are a falling...

...but He will wipe every tear from every eye, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All of these are gone forever...He will remove this cloud of doom...He will swallow up death forever!
As far as weeks go, this has been a hard one. Notwithstanding the normal day to day balancing act-which I barely managed to do this week anyway-there has also been bitter reminders. The week started off with an email from Jacob's teacher. There had been a play about a time machine they viewed and a teacher asked if the kids could go back in time, what would they do? Jacob's answer had been to lock up all the guns so Daniel would still be alive. His teacher was told this by another and then had remembered another time he had mentioned briefly about another brother. Knowing I needed to make a phone call instead of replying back to the email, I spoke with his teacher and shared that it was truth. Ryan had thought I had already mentioned it when school started, but I hadn't. Maybe I thought the information would get passed along by a previous teacher? Maybe I didn't want to begin a semester with the awkward introduction of, "this is Jacob. Oh, by the way, his oldest brother died 5 years ago"? Whatever the reason was, it was not mentioned and I found myself having to go back.  Jacob is ok. Of course he can get sad missing Daniel-and I will speak to a million people if needed to ensure Jacob never feels like he needs to censor his feelings-but he's never questioned the  "unfairness" of it all. He and I did speak about Heaven later that night. Which led to a discussion about the Holy Spirit and Jacob questioning that He didn't know if he had it and that prompted a talk about the Holy Spirit and this Holy week. Raising Jake at 2,3,4,5 was HARD. Raising Jacob as an almost 8 year old who will start to have questions is such uncharted territory, and there is the added veil of grieving questions that may occur. This was a reminder of knowing our story will always be our story and it going to be intertwined with everything we are and do. The reminder can still suck...
I got through that moment in the week, though. Then yesterday was a whole new beast. One that I hadn't encountered in a while. I learned someone-whom we do not know at all-was sharing our story to make an example of carelessness. For reasons that I am still working through currently, I am not going to share the details, but know that it feels like the most personal intrusion of privacy. At this point, I don't shy away from what happened. There has been so so so much growth and peace that has presented itself from nothing but the cloak of security from God, that I would be failing in my walk with God to hide it; and I have been using it to reach out to others that have suffering-and will always do so-but the ugly side needs to be shared, too. My heart hurt again for the second time this week. I have been feeling an emotional exhaustion I have not in awhile. It's taking a little more time to build back from it, but it happening. In all of this, that is what's important. I am coming back from this. I have always come back from this. I will always come back from this.
Something else occurred this week. The dandelions are in full "bloom" right now. All of the kids like them, but I have two that seem to enjoy them a little more. Daniel, and now Emma. Wednesday, I had to carry her away from them all in the morning to get into the car for daycare. I stopped for a moment while I had a dandelion in my hand and blew on it, too. New dandelion growth be damned from doing so, I watched them blow away and thought of my boy. Later that day, I had an old friend stop by work and presented a gift for myself and Emma. It was a necklace encasing a dandelion seed. In honor of my boy.
God's providence shines through this all. In my tears-soooooo many this week. In my children. In the gifts a friend presents and in my blubbering of explanation as to why it was perfectly timed. In a hug that lasts for a moment longer because it was needed. In having people understand and GET why all of this hurts. In being reminded in real time of His sacrifice and the hurt He held for me-and the ultimate promise that He died and He conquered Death and rose for me. I don't get a lot right; I stutter and stumble and cuss and sneer. BUT, through it all, I have never faltered at the promise of calvary. If there is anything that redirects my focus and attempts, it's his grace and love. I am making the decision, much like at the cross roads 5.5 years ago, to choose Him. To choose Joy. To choose Life.

2016: A year in review

I missed doing one of these for the 2015 year; this is the first of my "resolutions" this year, writing more. It's no use trying to think I can arrange all of my thoughts in my head. Plus, I have always felt more grounded writing. Whether this becomes an outlet or a journal, I am not sure, but starting out, it's a review.

January

As with most January's, this month always feels a bit anticlimactic after the holiday and colder weather setting in. This year proved no different. In fact, for me, it may have been worse. I literally woke up in the first day and felt a deep despair. It lasted well into March before I admitted it and asked for help. The kids played with new toys, celebrated the twin's birthday and Sophia's. Jake learned checkers and chess and actually beat myself and Ryan a few times. Emma learned more "real" play and Andrew practiced skating and Ryan worked 3-11, which may not have helped how I felt.

February

This month had warmer than normal temperatures and a special bridal party for the bride to be, my best friend. It was so exciting officially beginning full scale preparations for the wedding. While also stressful-as most weddings are-still memorable. I continued working out in the gym and the kids played outside when able. Jake had some issues within the classroom, similar to last year, and we worked with his teacher. Still with our understanding of how bright he was and tying to accommodate  circumstances for him within a public school setting. We all managed, but I would be lying if I wasn't thankful when the school year ended.

March

This month brought tee ball! Finally, a sport I understood. Soccer just is not our thing. Andrew ended up getting to play a year before he was technically able due to the need for players-small town for the win-and was even on Jake's team. In addition to learning baseball, Jake also practiced cooking with Ryan. Ryan worked with him on making eggs and a whole fish. Emma showed her love for baby dolls and played like a little Momma-sometimes even showing her multitasking skills by playing and eating. Easter was also celebrated this month and we got together with family. It's always so much fun with the littles get together. I took one of my favorite pictures of the kids and Emma looked especially adorable in pink shoes.

April
The wedding party preparations began again and we celebrated with a shower. Looking over 19 years of friendship while making the party games brought back a lot of memories. The boy's had their first tee ball game and looked absolutely adorable and like little boys. Those games were so much better to watch and I recorded many an at bat for Ryan. 3-11 shift interfered with him seeing a lot of games, but like any police family, we made it work. I also started a journey on digging more into God's word. I finally allowed myself to accept help and not think of medication as a crutch and it started helping with healing-by allowing my mind to settle and my heart to grow. 5 years of a half full cup had finally taken enough of a toll on me that I hated where I was at and asked for help. It came with such abundance.

 

 

May
Wedding month was this month and it was so much fun! Seeing your best friend since 7th grade walk down the aisle to her new life brought a lot of happy tears and answered prayers-and initiated new ones. Prayers for joy and companionship and to grow together as one in any and all circumstances. Ryan and I celebrated 9 years early that month and I had the chance to think back on where we started and where we were. Surprisingly, our biggest challenges as a married couple occurred this year. However, when love is strong and prayer stronger, the challenges become just a blip in our lives. I grew to love that man even more this year. And become more humbled by his role in our life. Jake turned 7 this year and started a growth in himself. He is becoming such an empathic child-and his yearning for learning grew exponentially. If it's math or science or gaming, the kid is all over it. It may have been this month I promised to take him to see Pompeii when he gets older. Andrew also graduated PreK and the boys got to experience their first Card's game with Ryan and Grom.

 

June
Andrew turned 5 and had a whole month for a practice run before starting Kindergarten-and he loved it. From riding the school bus to getting to go to Explorer's club with Jake after school, he grew into a school ager before our eyes. Grandma "Fishsticks' also came into town and we got to spend some times with her. The last visit was when Emmy was an infant, so she had a lot of time to catch up on. I am so proud of the boys for always jumping in to show love-even when there have been long periods of absences.

 

July
Oh this month. It started off pretty crappy, honestly. At some point at work, I threw my headset down and had to walk out to regroup. Our patient population was not my favorite at that point in time. I desperately needed a vacation from work and life-and thankfully, we had one planned. We got to visit  family in Ohio. Well, most of us. Emma ended up getting hand-foot-mouth and had a staycation with Grandma. It ended up being totally fine; Grandma got special time with Em and we got to spend some time with the twins. And also catch up on GOT :) The drive was great, the kids behaved, and I got to finally try Jeni's ice cream. Nomnomnom. (Seeing family was great, too ;)

August
This month carried summer vacation into it and Ryan and I made the most of it. We took the kids to the Zoo and enjoyed quality time at home. For my birthday, I got my newest tattoo. It showcases a heart Jake drew for Daniel with my favorite verse. I still look at it in reverence. The boy's started school officially and I enjoyed driving to work with my lady only. I was so excited to have Andrew off and becoming a school ager. Any that know Andrew know why LOL.  Emma turned 2 this month and has continued to grow into quite the firecracker. She is so independent and smart and funny. We honestly would have missed out on so much life without her. Such a far cry from the trepidation we initially felt when we learned of her. I say it often, but she is God's promise personified. She has such a special hold on my heart and Ryan's. The look in his eye when he watches her; that in itself is priceless.

 

 

September
This month we painted with a twist and enjoyed girl company. The woman never did say she liked me painting...All in all, it was pretty low key and that was quite all right with me.

October
Crazy. That's the word for this month. The election process had everyone on edge. The one other post I did this year touched down on my thoughts to that. We managed to get in one pumpkin patch as a family-during a warm 80 degree day. I also had a Mommy-Andrew day. It was so needed. In one week, I had a melt down from Andrew for stirring his oatmeal and then not stirring his oatmeal the next day because "he didn't know how", among other things that I know I blocked out for self preservation. Halloween was also warmer than normal and the kids made out. Emma was a trooper and girl held her own for most of the houses.

November
Emma saw her very first movie this month, Trolls. I was just as excited to see it. I love me some JT. I also managed to get family pictures out of Ryan-it went as expected. The boys were crazy, Emma was clingy and Ryan had met his time limit-thankfully at the right time. I will treasure these images always. The election votes were cast and for yet another period of time, I worried about Ryan as a Police Officer. I could write a whole other blog about the ill effects of this nation and the lack of respect for law enforcement. Really, the law of respect for human life.

December
If I thought the end of the year was going to be quiet, I would have been dead wrong. Ryan developed pneumonia and is still recovering. We also had a medical scare that ended up being ok-praise God-but  what a witness to seeing a larger than life husband become humbled himself. However, like most big life experiences, there are lessons to be gleaned from it and Ryan is getting the slowed down recovery time he needs. And in the midst of a holiday. Family was in and it was beautiful. It always is. The cousin chaos seriously warms my heart. I love each person in my family. Above it all though, I learned so much about this reason for the season. I think back to those times of searching within my life, and I am so so grateful for Jesus-and His fight for me. Who I am now, I love so much more than who I ever was. Suffering, hard moments and all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2017 is going to bring about so much growth. And travel. And family. All the things that make my life. If there is anything I learned from 2016, it's to settle in. There is nothing more important than those in my house.